Mindfulness

A new year is almost upon us again. It seems like the older I get, the faster these things happen. I remember being in the 3rd grade and waiting for Christmas vacation... When I was younger, that 2 weeks off of school felt like forever. We'd play with our new toys, go sledding, drink hot cocoa. I even remember hanging our snow soaked hats, scarves, mittens, and wool socks over the cast iron heater. I have such vivid memories, it must have been the cold weather.

As I get older, vivid memories like that seem to happen less and less. Day, weeks, months fly by. Most of the time I can't remember what I did yesterday or what I even had for breakfast today. Life feels like it's flying by me lately and I don't like it. I want to remember the things I do, people I see, places I go. I want each moment to be special.

So, with that said, I'm going to try to make an effort to have time for it. Sit back and smell the roses, or something to that effect. I really need to practice my "mindful" behaviors again. Focusing on the very moment and taking each small thing in. Breathing. Watching. Listening. I've been so overwhelmed in the last few months that I've become a terrible listener. I'm not even sure what I talk about on the phone because I'm always doing something else at the same time. Cooking dinner, driving, working. It's got to change. I'm not committing to a New Year's resolution or anything, with my committment issues and all, but I am going to make a conscious effort to attempt to change my ways.

Tomorrow is the last day of 2010 which means it's the last day for me to finish my amends. I've agreed to have them done by the end of this year and I've got one day to go. Nothing like cutting it down to the wire! I'm the kind of person who needs an assigment and a deadline. Procrastination at it's best. Either way, I'm going to follow through on this one and start the new year out properly with a new attitude and a new direction.

Christmas was excellent this year! My parents got me a Littman stethoscope and a sphygmomanometer (blood presure cuff) in preparation for Nursing school in February. I'm a blood pressure taking fool! I've always had such a hard time listening to the blood flow when I've done them and now I know why, and it's not all these strange piercings in my cartliage getting in the way like I always thought. Cheap stethoscopes! I can hear it all now! I'm really feeling good about things at this point. But getting anxious at the same time. So, to do my own preparing for school, I've bought a few books on anatomy & physiology to review. I've taken the classes a few years ago but I don't remember much, I was still drinking then. Since it's a tech school I'm going to, there is no adjusting the curriculum and repeating the course is just how it's going to be. I've got to do things their way, in their order, in their time. And I'm okay with that. Nothing like having a refresher course.

Anyway, it's late and I'm getting tired. I hope everyone has a wonderfully safe New Year's Eve!

'Tis the season

'Tis the season to be jolly!

I was reading my daily meditation book today and a sentence stuck out to me. It said, "Hanging onto a situation for which no solution is immediately apparent, only exaggerates the situation." What wisdom that is. Sometimes it's best to just sit back and let things go. Imagine that! What 3rd step wisdom, right there in front of me.

Which brings me to this. The old roommate situation. We were best friends and did everything together for most of our early recovery, but I don't think we were ever friends. Which left me with expectations. Ouch. Needless to say, in February when I moved in with my boyfriend, the relationship with her ended. Not immediately, though; a few weeks afterwards. I deleted her from FaceBook a few weeks before I moved because she was posting updates about me and they were spiteful and I was fed up and didn't want to read them anymore. A few weeks after I moved, when we were still texting here and there, she noticed I wasn't her friend anymore and that was the end of it. The straw that broke the camel's back, or something like that. She actually did me a huge favor and I just didn't know it at the time.

Realistically, I know that the friendship had ended long before that. She wasn't a good person and I was angry that she couldn't be the kind of friend I needed. I don't know why I ever expected her to treat me any different than all of the people she (we) sat and talked about behind their backs. Why am I any different? The answer to that is, I'm not. Plain and simple. People are who they are and without a desire to change, they're going to remain who they are. For me, I didn't like who I was and I wanted to become a better person; so I changed. Those old behaviors (which aren't always old) weren't working for me anymore and it was time to change. I can't say that I'm always changed because those character defects do come out from time to time, but I do make an effort to try to avoid their manifestation.

Which brings me to the second sentence that popped out to me in the reading, "It is often said that the solution to any problem lies within it." I was part of the problem and I can be part of the solution. I learned quite a few things from this old friendship. I learned how to be a nicer person, how not to treat people, how to treat people, and what kind of people I choose to have in my life. That's my solution with these relationships. I can step away at any point when something is seriously unhealthy for me. Unfortunately, it took me about 2 years to learn that. It seems like the longer the lesson, the more memorable it is.

After all, this is the season of forgiveness. It's going to begin with forgiving myself.

It's almost Christmas!

The last week has been hectic and at the same time, not. I hardly worked at all at my job, but I did other things. Christmas shopping alone feels like a job. It's a good thing I started in November this year! On Thursday and Friday I finished most of the shopping and I've got one more thing to pick up. Everything is wrapped and set up to be put in the car for our trip over to my Mom's on Friday.

Christmas this year is going to be a bit different now that my sister is back into the picture. I've gotten so used to all of the holidays and special occasions being just my boyfriend, my parents, and I. I've been praying that this year will be different from the past holidays that she's been at. Both, sober and in active addiction, she tends to be a drama queen, throw at least 2 crying tantrums, and (of course) everything is about her even when it's not. Gr. So, I'm getting it all out now, ironing out the wrinkles and putting positive energy into it. This year is going to be a differently-great holiday! I absolutely love Christmas and the entire holiday season and I'm determined to enjoy as much of it as I can.

Step work has just been nagging at me for the last few months. I'm working on making my amends and I'm finding it difficult (I'm convinced I'm unique). I know the people I need to make amends to, I know why... but, putting it into words and deciding how and when to do it are just weighing me down. Some have been made over time as I've come across people or run into them on facebook or whatever, but it's the super-personal-everyday ones that are grinding on me. I've got a deadline - December 31st. The final agreement, after many, that I've made with my sponsor.

So, that's all I've got for now. I've got to be up at 5:30 am for work tomorrow and I just don't do mornings. I wasn't made to be up before the sun, or any time even remotely near when the sun comes up. My Mom says that the sunrise and sunset are the most powerful times of the day and I should enjoy them both, but that's just never going to happen. At least not any time soon, anyway.

Minor Meltdown

I'm having a minor meltdown today. My hours at work, which are never consistent because I do private home healthcare, have been cut from 67 hours at the beginning of this week to a mere 18 hours. Right before Christmas. To say the least, I'm stressed out. However, I do have faith that everything will work out, as it always does. My agency respects me and generally overloads me with hours for shifts. This one is out of their hands as it is a case where the other caregivers are self-employeed and don't work through an agency. A few weeks ago I had a boat load of hours, then no hours, then a boat load of hours. That darn family needs to make up their minds and figure things out. My bank account can't handle the big fat middle finger I've just been given.

So, I'm over my panic moment and back to where I need to be. I've been in these situations before and it always works out. I've been with my agency for 3 years now and they always come through even when it's at the very last minute. I'm reliable, I go in at the last minute, and I never call off. Now that I've had my few breaths, I'm okay. I had a 30 minute cry over it all and I'm back to having faith, like usual. Things work out the way they're supposed to work out and I know that.

I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO NURSING SCHOOL!!!! I called yesterday and they confirmed! The last time I was in the office the secretary said I could call on the 13th (the day they mail out the letters) and ask because once they mail out the letters it becomes putlic knowledge and they can officially confirm. So I did! I was shaking and so nervous and was going to just wait until the letter came in the mail, but, I couldn't so I called. I'm really excited and feel like my life finally has some definite direction. And, when you put in the hard work you tend to get positive results.

I remember what life before I got sober and I could have never jumped through these hoops. Two entrance exams, blood work, transcripts, immunizations, photos, background checks. It would have been half-assed and at the last moment when it all seemed too much, I would have given up. It just goes to show you how much a person can change, given the chance.

Well, I'm off to dinner with my sponsor, then to my homegroup, and after to meet a friend at a speaker meeting. I need it today.

Happy Aniversary To Me!

This past Wednesday marked the celebration of my 4th year in sobriety. There was a time when I never thought I'd see this day happen. To be so supported by the friends I've made in recovery has brought forth a new swell of gratitude in my life. I was able to share the day with a few women from my homegroup as well as a few other people whom are very important to me. We all met up at Applebee's for a celebratory dinner. Just having those people show up proves to me that this program works even when you have doubts. No matter what, someone will be there to carry you when you can't carry yourself.

Last week my Mom came for a visit. She lives just over 2 hours away so it's convenient for her to come over and spend a day and night and then return home. We went to my sister's house and brought her along to dinner with us to celebrate my aniversary. Being able to spend time with her, without wanting to maim her, has been a renewed gift. She's still going to meetings and seems to be holding her own, but right now I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I suppose that at some point people felt that way about me too. I really try to have compassion for her like I would for any newcomer but because it's so close to home it's a bit more difficult. I find myself wanting to ask her how the meetings were and how she's feeling and asking if she's found a sponsor yet... but I refrain. It's none of my damn business and I can't make her recovery into what I wish it would be. Normally, I would have jumped in to try to save the day and fix it all, but I'm learning how to let go and step back so things can happen the way they're supposed to happen. Much easier said than done, but I'm getting better with practice.

So, here I sit at work. It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm ready to go home to sleep, but I've got a few hours left. We were supposed to meet my bf's parents today for an early Christmas celebration but everyone seems to have forgotten that if we meet at noon I'll only have had 2 hours of sleep. So not fair. I've been working the night shift on the weekends for the better part of a year and a half now... so as far as I'm concerned - there aren't any excuses.

This is what happens when plans are made at the last minute and you become the after-thought. I don't mean me as the after-though, I mean my boyfriend. We live about 20 minutes from his parents and they make no effort to see him... Ok, I lied, they see him 3 times a year: Christmas, Easter, and whenever his sister comes to town with the new baby. They fly to another state to spend the holidays with his brother and sister and try to make plans with him at the very last minute. It really hurts him but he won't say anything. Right now, I know that all I can do is support him and make sure that my family treats him like family. This year, his parents passed his grandmother a birthday card for him and had her deliver it at work... They don't even think twice about it.

And this brings us to, yet again, another situation that is none of my business. It's totally out of my control and saying something will just make things worse and hurt people's feelings. Seems I'm receiving an awful lot of practice in this area lately! I'm going to assume it's not a coincidence!

Aaaaaaand, this is the week I find out whether or not I'm accepted into school. Part of me knows that I will, but the pessimistic part of me has doubts. I'm really not good at waiting, thankfully it's only a few more days. I should know by Wednesday!

We Do Recover!

Ahhhh. What a great couple of days I've had! On Sunday, I took my sister grocery shopping, out to dinner, and to a meeting. She's been back out for a few years and every moment of it has been sad. But, it's also been a miracle. I'm thankful that I could learn a few lessons vicariously through her and not destroy my life in the meantime. I'm also thankful to know that it doesn't get any better when you go back out. Not that I didn't know it to begin with, but it's definitely something that has been proven time and again by others.

Being able to do things for her, like she did for me when I was in early recovery, makes me feel really good. Not only am I helping my family, but I'm also giving back help that was given to me with no strings attached. Seeing her begin to climb back out of the hole she has created is a blessing; and being able to be a part of that is a miracle.

On another note... Each wednesday for the last 4 years I've attended an after-care group at the treatment facility where I did my inpatient treatment. Basically, we sit around (with a counselor) and discuss our issues in recovery and talk with the people who are just finishing up the 28 day program about any issues, questions, or concerns they may have. This week an unusual topic was brought up by a former sponsee of mine. She said, "What happens when the pink cloud is gone and you're not happy with being sober anymore?"

Ummm, Huh? I have always understood the whole theory behind the concept of the pink cloud - happy to be sober, waking up feeling good, worries behind you, nothing can hold you down, no bad will happen now... But, I can't recall ever feeling that way. When I got clean and sober, I felt like shit. I was withdrawing from benzo's and had slight tardive disknesia from some medication to help with all of the mood swings. I've always understood that life will always happen and that just because I've rung the bell and decided to clean up my act, that life will still happen just the was it is supposed to. Bills will need to be paid, people will be angry with me sometimes, some will die. Never did I have that euphoric feeling of everything being all rainbows and butterfiles. Don't get me wrong, I was happy with life; but I never had the idea in my head that life was going to work out perfectly and that all my problems would disappear.

I really had to take a step back after hearing her say that. Perhaps it's because of "who" said it, but I'd like to believe that I'd have this response no matter who would say it.

Each and every day that I'm clean and sober, I'm grateful that another miracle has occured. Being able to stay around and hear things like, "Don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens" makes me realize that this really is the life for me. I finally fit in. I'm finally part of something biggern than myself. I'm finally the person I was meant to be. It truly saddens me to hear that someone thinks the other path of misery, guilt, and shame is a better way to live. Deep down I know it's a misconception. I know it's that part of the disease that never totally disappears that you need to battle every day. I know it's the easy way out. I decided 4 years ago that I wasn't going to take the easy way out anymore, that I'd choose to do the right thing instead even if it was difficult.

Every day I choose to stay sober. I choose to treat people as kindly as I'm capable of. I choose to go to a meeting. I choose to go to work. I choose to pray. I choose to call my sponsor. I know that there will always be an alternative and that as long as I'm willing to do what is right above all else, that I'll be living a good life.

To end for the night, a counselor I once had always asked a trick question. "What is the reward for living a good life?" And the answer is, "A good life."

So much to be grateful for!

Well, the day has come. My sister is ready. I'm going to drive to her house today and take her to dinner and a meeting and to run a few errands.

I went to my first meeting ever with my sister and she had 2 1/2 years sober when that happened. 6 months later she relapsed and has been out for 3 1/2 years. Due to a DUI, she doesn't have a license and ended up selling her car because she couldn't pay the insurance on it; drinking was always more important. Can't say I haven't been there myself in the past...

So, I'm really excited to see her. I don't keep in close touch because she is crazy when she's drinking and I keep my distance for my mental well-being. But, she's asked for help and I'll be there for her. She did that for me, along with other people, and I'll do it for her.

Relationships

Relationships can be so hard sometimes. I have this boyfriend who likes to infer what my emotions are based on what we've discussed. 99% of the time they are way out in left field. I could be totally happy and he'll say, "Why aren't you happy with me." It's so frustrating. We just underwent another of those conversations. Yet again, I'm taking care of everything that he's too lazy to do. Laundry, vacuuming, and ordering his prescriptions online. On top of it all, he's got this never ending sore throat that his doctor has treated several times with no acutally diagnosis or relief from the symptoms. Every day for the last 3 months I've had to hear about his God-Damn sore throat. At this point, I'm pretty sure he's convinced himself that he's got throat cancer! Sometimes I think he creates the symptoms. If it were something bacterial or virual, I'd have caught it by now. But, I haven't. My guess is that he's got allergies with a post-nasal drip. He's an absolute hyponchondriac with OCD. I really don't want to spend my day off being pissed, but here I am. Pissed. Super pissed.

This is the hard part of recovery for me. Maintaining relationships. Any relationships. Friends, lovers, family. It's not easy for me. My self-centeredness comes out often. I've prayed to have it removed and put it in my God box but it keeps popping it's ugly head out. None of these things are about me, but then they all are. We can't even have a nice day because he's constantly obsessing about imaginary symptoms that actually go away when he takes the appropriate allergy medication. Need I say more?

I'm sure more will be revealed.

Time on my hands

It feels like it's been so long since I've had extra time to use as I please. Today, I'm just sitting here browsing and working on my genealogy. I have so much data to verify and keep up to date. Most of the time, when I speak of genealogy, people's eyes begin to glaze over. I can already see it happening to you. Well, if there is a you... Anyway, I hate history, but when it comes to my family research, I can't get enough of it! Since I purchased the new Family Tree Maker software, it's become even easier to keep things organized and updated as well as finding new tid bits of history. I just love it!

The next month is going to drag by, I can just feel it. I've finally finished the application process for nursing school. The deadline is Dec. 3 and the acceptance letters will go out on Dec. 13th. They seemed super hopeful and super impressed with all of my scores as well as my grad in the prerequisite class, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a feeling that all my studying and hard work is going to pay off.

I was required to take Medical Terminology as the prerequisite and received a final grade of 99%. I also had to take two entrance exams. The first one was the TABE test (Test of Adult Basic Education) which basically says that you can read at a specific equivalency to a high school grade. The requirememt was to receive an 11 (11th grade reading equivalency/vocabular/grammar/mathematics) and I got a 12.9 - the highest score you can achieve. The other test was called the HESI Test. It's a nursing entrance exam; I got an 87.62% and the average is 73%. I rocked that one! So, saying that I'm feeling pretty great at this point would be an understatement!

Also required was a criminal background check along with a physical. Holy money!! Since I'm so o.l.d. I never received a vaccination for chicken pox, because I "got" the chicken pox, so I had to get a titer to verify that I have an immunity to the varicella virus- which of course I do because I've had the chicken pox twice... Fortunately, I had copies of my immunizations from the time I was an infant all the way through high school so I didn't have to get titers for everything else as well. Doing all of these things without health insurance can be seriously, brutally, expensive. But, I made it through and it's all done and I can breathe for a few months until the program starts.

Tonight is my home group. It's a closed women's meeting. Lately, because of the former sponsee situation, I've been dreading going. She's still gossiping and hurting people and nothing has changed. There are a few things I need to remember: Q-Tip (Quit taking it personally) and consider the source. Normally, I don't have a problem pointing out to others that "it's not about you" but in this case I can't seem to give myself the same advice. I need to revisit steps 6&7 and get out of this self-centeredness and judgement and just move the hell on. I'm sure another 4th step wouldn't hurt the situation either... My sponsor and I are going to take another approach at the steps in the next few weeks- a perspective from the Fransciscan Sisters.

Here is my prayer for this week:
Gracious God, thank you for the moment of clarity which brought me to my knees, the moment of sanity in which I could finally admit my powerlessness. Give me the courage to look at the unmanageability in my life that I might make an option for life, for the wellness that you wish and desire for me.
Amen.

I'm so glad these last 2 weeks are over with. They were complete hell. I had to take 2 entrance exams in preparation for school. The first test was easy - I was, in fact, over-prepared. But, the second exam was brutal. I left with a terrible headache and a passing score. Those 2 scores along with my grade in medical terminology should put me somewhere near the top of the list. I've heard that there are approximately 100 applicants for the nursing program with only 22 available seats. I can't even think about the "what if I don't get accepted" scenario. I just keep telling myself that I AM going to school in February. I figure that the more positive energy I give it, the closer I am to having it realized. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Tonight is my favorite Big Book meeting... Well, to be honest, I'm lying. I consider it my service work to go there. It's at the treatment facility I attended a few years ago. Not too many people are willing to go to meetings there and I feel like, in order to carry the message I've got to show up and show that the program can work. There are only 2 to 3 people who come to the meeting anymore that aren't actually clients who live there. It truly saddens me. All I can do, at this point is continue to show up and announce it at other meetings.

I think that's it for now. My brain is fried today. I had so much test anxiety yesterday that it carried over into today and I'm just plain exhausted. I could go without seeing another prokaryotic cell until February 22! And, I don't want to hear another word about isotopes, allotropes, or any other diffusion across a membrane!

Happy Veteran's Day to all our veterans out there.

Tiredness

I'm exhausted. Completely. Totally. Exhausted. 80 hours is just too much to work in one week. Not to mention that they're all overnight shifts. Thank God it's only for one week and it's a means to an end. It's going to pay for 2 entrance exams, a physical, and a background check so that I may go back to school again.

My last sponsee moved away on Thursday. I miss her dearly; it's been a long few months but we've spent so much time together and I feel a bit of a void now that she's gone. She has turned into a great friend. Apparently, where she moved to, the meetings are quite different. They're all an hour and a half long instead of an hour and they do things quite differently. She has found a new sponsor, taking the suggestion of raising her hand and announcing that it was her first meeting out of treatment; but already she feels it's not the right person. The amazing thing is that she is really putting herself out there during a very vulnerable time in an entirely new existence. I'm so pround of her.

And, onto me. Overall, things are good. Cats are good;boyfriend is good. But, I'm so tired. I feel burried in chores and goals and errands and just things to do. I work 12-14 hour overnight shifts and try to sleep at least 6 hours a day at home (which doesn't always happen). So, I spend most nights going over my test prep books, studying the night away. I've done what I always do and I need to find a way to not put everything off until the last minute. I have until December 3rd to take 2 exams, get a physical, and a background check. The idea of school is getting scarier as the deadline nears. The good thing is that I haven't become paralyzed by this fear yet.

So, for now, I've lost my spunk. My wit. My general-funness. I've got 2 more nights of work and then 2 days off.

Affirmation

Today I can become more positive by regularly putting myself into the company of friends who have hope.

Just another Thursday

It's been so long since I've had this many days off in a row that I almost forgot what doing something for myself felt like. I slept in until almost noon, lounged around with my blueberry coffee, got my haircut, did a bit of shopping and went out for a nice dinner with my boyfriend. The grand-finale of the evening was the Big Book study I attend each Thursday. It happens to be at the treatment facility I attended a few years ago. Tonight the meeting was particularily rowdy... I continually try to encourage people to go to the meeting but no one ever shows up. Their reputation has apparently preceeded them. Not the facility, but the bad behavior of the clients there. It's no wonder that people refuse to support this meeting after all this time, it seems to only get worse.

Don't get me wrong, there is something in every meeting that I can take away, but tonight was especially disruptive. No, that's not enough, it was a 3 ring cirucs. I like to think that everyone in rehab has their asshole moment. Like, when I lived there and insisted on wearing pig-tail buns in my hair and my pink fuzzy slippers to every meeting, or when the girl busted ass on the hard plastic chair (come on we all know it sounds like a trumpet in this circumstance), or when someone coined the new phrase, "pick up a chipper and put down the liquor". I just have to keep thinking to myself that they'll grow out of it... I did, doesn't that mean everyone has the potential?

I know there is some humor in all of this but they really do need support. Not only to enrich the overall quality of the meeting, but also to encourage the new comer that the miracle happens. They need people who are willing to share, visit, and sponsor. Right now, it's just stale. I guess every group has it's up and down cycle - I just pray that this one doesn't last much longer!

Affirmation

Here's my positive affirmation for today:

I will give my worries to God today. I want my mind free so I can be creative and joyful. I want to laugh and feel grateful.

Let's get this party started!

I really need to get back to blogging. For years I did it every single day, multiple times. But, I've disabled those blogs because they were during my drinking days and mostly, they're a hot mess. Sometimes, I go back to read the posts as a reminder of what life was like. It seems I have a "built-in-forgetter" and at times when I remember what happened, things don't seem that bad. The reality is that they were. Those were some of the darkest days of my life and the easier it is for me to remember that, the easier it is for me to appreciate the greatness in each day of my life.

Recently, I've been going through some great discomfort. I had to let a sponsee go about two weeks ago due to the simple fact that she was verbally abusive. There was much more than that to it, but what pushed me over the line was how she spoke to me. The simple fact is that I'm not willing to put up with disrespectful behavior, I'm no ones doormat. Through this, I feel like I've been turned into a villian. I know that I'm not. But right now, she sits in MY homegroup each week and widens her innocent victim lies and reels the women into her nest of lies. (No judgement here...) It's really frustrating to continue trying to be the bigger person. Smile, say hello, tell her I'm glad she's there. Gr. Those things suck. They really suck. But, as a woman told me last week, "consider the source". And that's what I need to do. Eventually, her true colors are going to come out to everyone else and they're going to see what I've been dealing with for the last few months. Right now, I'm bitter, hurt, angry. I never want to have to look at her again. But the good part in me knows that things will turn out for the best. She has just as much right to be in that meeting as I do, and whether I like it or not, I'm going to fake it until I believe what I'm saying when I greet her. Hopefully, it's sooner than later.

Right now, I'm in extreme emotional discomfort. But, I'm doing what I need to in order to move on. I'm sharing, I talk to my sponsor, and I go to meetings. I've even gone as far as doing the symbolic motion of writing it on a piece of paper and putting it in my God box so that I can give it over to God and just let it go. But, right now it seems that I'm leaving claw marks all over it. One lesson I've learned over the past few years is that anything that leaves this much of an impact on me is the thing that is going to produce a great ammount of growth inside me and my program of recovery.

A new perspective

Last night we watched "Precious". Let me start out by saying that I had no clue what this movie was about other than having the actress in it who came out of nowhere. I feel forever changed. Imagining a life like that makes me sick to my stomach. Growing up, I didn't have the best childhood and I've had to deal with that, but my life was a breath of fresh air compared to hers.

The movie ended and I didn't even know what to say or feel or think. I felt imense gratitude for my life. I felt that if someone could survive that, then we should be able to survive anything. And, then I thought, she overcame. She totally overcame. She gained this inner strenght and was able to overcome the obstacles life had put in her way and move forward. Through compassion from strangers she became empowered to change her life. I feel forever changed by that movie.

Ahhhhhh

Today was a restful day and I don't seem to have many of those lately.

I've really been thinking about my steps lately and I need to get cracking and finish them again. Step 6 is finished and onto 7. I'm taking my sweet time. Procrastination is just one of those "traits" that I haven't let go of yet, but I'm certainly ready to have it removed! LOL.

I went to aftercare this evening, at the treatment center I went to, and it was a disaster. Bascially, we go back every Wednesday and meet with the people coming out of the 28 day program and talk about our experience and discuss their concerns and exit plans with them. But lately a different counselor has been MC'ing it every week and there is no format anymore so it's losing effectiveness. Something has to be done but I'm not sure what it is at this point. It's almost torture to sit there through the whole hour. The only reason I go anymore is because I benefitted from the people who came back when I lived there and I want to be able to give back what was so freely given to me. Me me me. I know. But if I don't put ME first no one will be able to.

My mouth still hurts from these 2 new fillings. Although the pain is subsiding it's still stressful to be in constant pain with nothing more than motrin or tylenol. It's a catch 22. There are just some things that you have to push through, I guess.

My new glasses came in yesterday and they're definitely taking some "getting used to". These progressive lenses are tricky. The top is for distance, the middle is for intermedite stuff like the computer, and the bottom is for reading. Or anything I just randomly feel like magnifying! It cracks me up! And, just so you know, I apparently look sheik in them; so my Mom says. Does that even count when you're in your 30's??

So, all in all it was a good day. Drank a lot of coffee, did some laundry, and took some super cheesy photos of myself in my new glasses from the reflection in the bathroom mirror. =)

Time will tell...

I've been working so much lately that I'm a bit out of sorts with myself. Switching back and forth from overnights to days is taking a toll on me.

All the moving is finally done but I've yet to finish unpacking. Hopefully, that is something I can get finished this week. I only have 3 more boxes to take care of and it just feels like a chore at this point; which is why it keeps getting put off.

I'm feeling a little indifferent tonight. I just finished reading a few posts on http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com/ It's a blog I've been reading for a few years now on and off about someone who struggles with addiction and a few other things (but dont we all?) and he's relapsed. It's happened before but I guess that after following this little world of his that I got attached to whether or not he was still sober. It's so easy to sit here and judge and point out all the things people are doing wrong and recognizing their excuses and reservations. Which is where I'm at right now. I'm downright disappointed.

It makes me think of all the people I've lost during these 3 short years I've been sober along with all the people to come. My first sponsor told me, "You've got to walk over the bodies." Such a straight forward statement yet so hard to accomplish.