F**kin' Perfect

I've completed my 9th step. I've made my amends and I'm moving on. The things I've done have defined the person I've become but they don't have to continue to hang over my head and leave that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. One of the amends I made was to my older sister. We aren't on good terms at all and I'm okay if it continues to stay that way or if it doesn't. I don't have control of the situation and I've forgiven myself for my part in the entire fiasco. What it comes down to is that she's intimidated by my sobriety, or something like that. Last year she actually refused to come spend the Christmas holiday with us because she didn't want to have an "AA Holiday". That was like a stab to the heart for me and I reacted without thinking and blew it out of the water. In reality, I know she was just using me as an excuse, but it still hurt. Like, gut-wrenching hurt.

It's all out of my control and it's not really all about me. But, what I have to remember is that I do have control of my behavior. That was not my finest moment. Thank God I can learn from these things and, through working the steps, I can see where I was wrong and attempt not to repeat the same behaviors over and over and over.

The other day my boyfriend came home with P!nk's new CD - a greatest hits edition with two new tracks. The final track on the album is titled "F**kin' Perfect" and it has just hit home for me. Each time I hear it I feel super emotional and empowered. She is such an amazing, strong woman and I love her music. So, I'm going to post the chorus to the song and encourage everyone to listen it. Here's the song if you wanna listen. There is no video yet, but it's a decent version of the song. It helps me remember that I'm always enough and perfect the way I'm am. On those days when I'm not feeling like I'm enough, I'm still perfect to someone, even if it's not myself. I AM ENOUGH.

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
F**king perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're f**king perfect to me

Mindfulness

A new year is almost upon us again. It seems like the older I get, the faster these things happen. I remember being in the 3rd grade and waiting for Christmas vacation... When I was younger, that 2 weeks off of school felt like forever. We'd play with our new toys, go sledding, drink hot cocoa. I even remember hanging our snow soaked hats, scarves, mittens, and wool socks over the cast iron heater. I have such vivid memories, it must have been the cold weather.

As I get older, vivid memories like that seem to happen less and less. Day, weeks, months fly by. Most of the time I can't remember what I did yesterday or what I even had for breakfast today. Life feels like it's flying by me lately and I don't like it. I want to remember the things I do, people I see, places I go. I want each moment to be special.

So, with that said, I'm going to try to make an effort to have time for it. Sit back and smell the roses, or something to that effect. I really need to practice my "mindful" behaviors again. Focusing on the very moment and taking each small thing in. Breathing. Watching. Listening. I've been so overwhelmed in the last few months that I've become a terrible listener. I'm not even sure what I talk about on the phone because I'm always doing something else at the same time. Cooking dinner, driving, working. It's got to change. I'm not committing to a New Year's resolution or anything, with my committment issues and all, but I am going to make a conscious effort to attempt to change my ways.

Tomorrow is the last day of 2010 which means it's the last day for me to finish my amends. I've agreed to have them done by the end of this year and I've got one day to go. Nothing like cutting it down to the wire! I'm the kind of person who needs an assigment and a deadline. Procrastination at it's best. Either way, I'm going to follow through on this one and start the new year out properly with a new attitude and a new direction.

Christmas was excellent this year! My parents got me a Littman stethoscope and a sphygmomanometer (blood presure cuff) in preparation for Nursing school in February. I'm a blood pressure taking fool! I've always had such a hard time listening to the blood flow when I've done them and now I know why, and it's not all these strange piercings in my cartliage getting in the way like I always thought. Cheap stethoscopes! I can hear it all now! I'm really feeling good about things at this point. But getting anxious at the same time. So, to do my own preparing for school, I've bought a few books on anatomy & physiology to review. I've taken the classes a few years ago but I don't remember much, I was still drinking then. Since it's a tech school I'm going to, there is no adjusting the curriculum and repeating the course is just how it's going to be. I've got to do things their way, in their order, in their time. And I'm okay with that. Nothing like having a refresher course.

Anyway, it's late and I'm getting tired. I hope everyone has a wonderfully safe New Year's Eve!

It's almost Christmas!

The last week has been hectic and at the same time, not. I hardly worked at all at my job, but I did other things. Christmas shopping alone feels like a job. It's a good thing I started in November this year! On Thursday and Friday I finished most of the shopping and I've got one more thing to pick up. Everything is wrapped and set up to be put in the car for our trip over to my Mom's on Friday.

Christmas this year is going to be a bit different now that my sister is back into the picture. I've gotten so used to all of the holidays and special occasions being just my boyfriend, my parents, and I. I've been praying that this year will be different from the past holidays that she's been at. Both, sober and in active addiction, she tends to be a drama queen, throw at least 2 crying tantrums, and (of course) everything is about her even when it's not. Gr. So, I'm getting it all out now, ironing out the wrinkles and putting positive energy into it. This year is going to be a differently-great holiday! I absolutely love Christmas and the entire holiday season and I'm determined to enjoy as much of it as I can.

Step work has just been nagging at me for the last few months. I'm working on making my amends and I'm finding it difficult (I'm convinced I'm unique). I know the people I need to make amends to, I know why... but, putting it into words and deciding how and when to do it are just weighing me down. Some have been made over time as I've come across people or run into them on facebook or whatever, but it's the super-personal-everyday ones that are grinding on me. I've got a deadline - December 31st. The final agreement, after many, that I've made with my sponsor.

So, that's all I've got for now. I've got to be up at 5:30 am for work tomorrow and I just don't do mornings. I wasn't made to be up before the sun, or any time even remotely near when the sun comes up. My Mom says that the sunrise and sunset are the most powerful times of the day and I should enjoy them both, but that's just never going to happen. At least not any time soon, anyway.

Time on my hands

It feels like it's been so long since I've had extra time to use as I please. Today, I'm just sitting here browsing and working on my genealogy. I have so much data to verify and keep up to date. Most of the time, when I speak of genealogy, people's eyes begin to glaze over. I can already see it happening to you. Well, if there is a you... Anyway, I hate history, but when it comes to my family research, I can't get enough of it! Since I purchased the new Family Tree Maker software, it's become even easier to keep things organized and updated as well as finding new tid bits of history. I just love it!

The next month is going to drag by, I can just feel it. I've finally finished the application process for nursing school. The deadline is Dec. 3 and the acceptance letters will go out on Dec. 13th. They seemed super hopeful and super impressed with all of my scores as well as my grad in the prerequisite class, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a feeling that all my studying and hard work is going to pay off.

I was required to take Medical Terminology as the prerequisite and received a final grade of 99%. I also had to take two entrance exams. The first one was the TABE test (Test of Adult Basic Education) which basically says that you can read at a specific equivalency to a high school grade. The requirememt was to receive an 11 (11th grade reading equivalency/vocabular/grammar/mathematics) and I got a 12.9 - the highest score you can achieve. The other test was called the HESI Test. It's a nursing entrance exam; I got an 87.62% and the average is 73%. I rocked that one! So, saying that I'm feeling pretty great at this point would be an understatement!

Also required was a criminal background check along with a physical. Holy money!! Since I'm so o.l.d. I never received a vaccination for chicken pox, because I "got" the chicken pox, so I had to get a titer to verify that I have an immunity to the varicella virus- which of course I do because I've had the chicken pox twice... Fortunately, I had copies of my immunizations from the time I was an infant all the way through high school so I didn't have to get titers for everything else as well. Doing all of these things without health insurance can be seriously, brutally, expensive. But, I made it through and it's all done and I can breathe for a few months until the program starts.

Tonight is my home group. It's a closed women's meeting. Lately, because of the former sponsee situation, I've been dreading going. She's still gossiping and hurting people and nothing has changed. There are a few things I need to remember: Q-Tip (Quit taking it personally) and consider the source. Normally, I don't have a problem pointing out to others that "it's not about you" but in this case I can't seem to give myself the same advice. I need to revisit steps 6&7 and get out of this self-centeredness and judgement and just move the hell on. I'm sure another 4th step wouldn't hurt the situation either... My sponsor and I are going to take another approach at the steps in the next few weeks- a perspective from the Fransciscan Sisters.

Here is my prayer for this week:
Gracious God, thank you for the moment of clarity which brought me to my knees, the moment of sanity in which I could finally admit my powerlessness. Give me the courage to look at the unmanageability in my life that I might make an option for life, for the wellness that you wish and desire for me.
Amen.