Oh dear me!

It seems to have been quite a bit of time since my last post. School is keeping me much busier than I had ever anticipated. We have been spending 10 hour days clinical at the hospital and 8 hour days didactic. Plus, I'm still pulling two 12 hour shifts on the weekend. As I've said time and again, February 16th can't come soon enough. I'm excited about graduation and being able to move forward with my life.

Lately, I've been making more time for meetings and trying to fit in some extra time with friends to sort of distinguish a bit of balance in my life. I feel consumed by everything all at once. Recently, a friend of mine who had a bit of time relapsed. All of the signs were there and then it happened. Thankfully, she's survived it and back in the rooms. But for the Grace of God, one day at a time, it doesn't have to be me. =)

Growing up, or something like that.

I had no idea that I'd be this busy with nursing school or that my life would change so much. I think I'm having a growth spurt of some sort. When we started school they told us that we would not be the same person at the end of the year, maybe I didn't believe them; but I do now. We're almost done with the first half of the program and I feel so changed. Like I have a new direction for my life. Which brings me to the problem at hand... I'm outgrowing my boyfriend. One day I just started feeling different. I'm growing up and he's not. I want a family, career, home, friends, hobbies, a retirement fund, and a retirement. Those are goals to me and to him they're just ideas that can perhaps be looked at when the time comes. We've been together for 3 years and haven't been intimate whatsoever for the last year. I look at him and I'm angry. I try to communicate and I'm met with silence, which seems to be an answer of sorts. I've tried every way to approach the situation, there are none left. I look around at our home and we have nothing in common. He's a sports and movie nut and I'm content to curl up with a book. He has no ambitions for education and I can't imagine going a day without learning something new. What I do know for sure is that this relationship is over.

I'm sort of stuck in this current relationship for the next year. Before I started school we made a deal that I'd work and pay for everything the year before school and while I was in school he'd take care of everything so that I'd have time to study and do what I needed to do. My car died and I had to junk it and now I drive his extra vehicle. Can I make it 9 more months in this situation? Days like the last few make me doubt it, but I have to give it some serious thought. Everything is a chore to him, which leaves me to do everything or it just doesn't get done. He thinks that laying in bed watching tv for 13 hours on his day off is what he's supposed to do... I feel like he needs to take care of a few things, at the very least, and get his ass out of bed. I'm frustrated, overtired, and fed up with this lazy man who is incapable of approaching any situation with an open mind or some sort of rational thought process. The latest situation to arise is our difference of opinion. Apparently, anytime I disagree with him I'm doing it for spite - just to be able to disagree. He's forgotten that I'm an independent human being with a mind of my own and that I'm capable of forming educated opinions based on facts...

Thank God I have a program of recovery and I know when to attempt to let go and let God. Obviously, it doesn't happen every time but it does happen more than it used to. My sponsor says I need to look at him like he's a sick person and treat him with compassion. Much easier said than done. She also says to approach the entire situation with integrity and essentially keep my side of the street clean. So, please, if someone could pray for me, I'm going through it right now.

Still here!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted! The days have just been flying by and before I know it another week has gone by. School is keeping me so busy, which is a good thing. We've just finished an Anatomy & Physiology course in 4 weeks and I've managed, through tons of hard work, to end up with a 97% final grade. Yay! There aren't actual words for how ecstatic I am to be finished with it. This is going to be one long year. Only 9 1/2 months left to go.

I've still been going to meetings and trying to keep up on that as much as I possibly can. This is one of those times that I can actually see that being in recovery is truly a blessing for me. I actually have time to get work done as well as time to go to meetings and keep my life together. Some of the students at school are having a hard time keeping up and every thursday when the day is done, they go out drinking. The first time I went with them, I had no idea what I was getting into, than God I had dinner scheduled with my sponsor and a few women from my homegroup. It's not that I wanted to drink, but I can see how quickly people change from one setting to the next and I don't think I'll ever feel a need to be a part of that again. The second time I went, we actually just went to eat and I bailed as soon as we were done with dinner. I'm grateful to have a few friends at school but I can tell that that's as far as those friendships are going to go for the majority of them.

So, courtesy of a cool lady at school I was encouraged to take the Myers-Briggs personality test. And, I was told to be super proud of my personality type, INFJ. Apparently it's the rarest one and only 1-3% of the population is categorized as an INFJ. Has anyone else taken this test? What does it actually mean?

Day 1, done

Today was our first day of clinicals for the nursing program. We had to be there by 6:15am and we finished just after 12:30pm. Most of it was orientation to the facility and getting to know our residents. Holy hectic chaos! I've been doing this kind of work for 3 years now, but I do private care for 1 person at a time. For the next week we're going to have 6 patients each. It makes the time go by so quickly! I love it! I'm exhausted, but it's a good exhausted and it's so nice to actually work with other people instead of being stuck in a room alone with someone for 12 hours or more.

Last night was my homegroup meeting and it was a good one. The last Tuesday of each month is an aniversary meeting and the celbrants each get to speak for a bit. This month we had 3, including my sponsor. It seems like each year that passes we learn something new about someone. To me, this is such a gift. Going back to those first few days and on through to what the last year has been like always brings something new. Thank God for this ever changing process in recovery and our ability to continue to grow and learn. I hope I never stop being able to grow inside as well as with the people around me.

Going Clinical!

Time sure can pass quickly. I've been so busy with school lately that I haven't had time for much else. We've already had 3 quizes and our final exam for the first level of the course is on Monday. I'm doing pretty well so far with a 96%, 100%, and 100% which really reinforces my decision to only work on the weekends. Although, I don't always end up with shifts. The patient I've been with for the last 2 years passed away a few weeks ago in surgery. And the other patient I was taking care of passed away just a few days ago. Sad stuff, this work I do. They say, in my work, to not get personal with the patients... but how is that possible when you sit for 12 hours shifts with them and there is no one else to talk to? It's virtually impossible. So, with that said, I have no shifts! It's good and it's bad. The good part is that I get to rest here and there and get paid for being on call and the bad part is that I really need the money to pay bills with. Such a catch-22.

I've still been making it to most of my meetings but I do recognize the times when I just need to rest and go to sleep early. Things seem to be taking a better turn in my homegroup, which is a good thing. There is a lot less conflict lately and the women who wait until the end to share to top everyone else and let us all know how it's "supposed" to be done, haven't been there. I'm sure it's a God thing.

So, next week in school we are going to do all of our clinical check-off's and then we will go clinical. It's super exciting! Right now, we're just doing the CNA portion of the course and that's what I do for work already which makes it all a breeze. It's going to be nice to get a different perspective being able to work with other people, have equipment and supplies that I need, and have a variety of things to get done. When I'm at work, it's usually a bore. I get a lot of reading done, but I sure do spend a lot of time sitting on my ass in a chair. I can't wait to be busy the whole time and really feel like I've gotten something done. =)

Spring Break, Baby!

Today is the first day of spring break for me. And, I've already mady two typos calling it "sprint" break. Hmmm. Let's hope it doesn't sprint by me. My plans for next week are to get one group of assignments ahead and relax by the pool catching some rays. I've only picked up one extra shift for work and I don't forsee too many others; already making it clear to my agency that I need a break, I'm hoping that they don't call too many times.

Even if I don't get anything productive done this coming week, things will be okay. Right now I feel fried and sore. Something is wrong with my knee, so I'm wearing a brace on it and icing it, and my back got a slight strain the other day when my instructor gave me the biggest guy in the class to do position changes on... There's a reason there should be two people when someone is fully incapicitated.

And, for next week, incorporating a few more meetings into my schedule. I'm not always going to be able to go whenever it's convienent because this nursing course is condensed and very intense. Although, I never miss my home group, I sure could use a big piece of AA pie.

My dreams lately have been all about drinking and school. I don't want to drink, but I think because I'm so overtired it's what my alcoholic brain automatically defaults to. In some of the dreams I'm sneaking drinks and in others I'm just flat out drinking and have never been in recovery. Things like this truly help me along my road. I never feel good in the dream and when I wake up, it's refreshing to know I don't have to live like that anymore. But, I must say, in all of these dreams... I'm wearing latex gloves and other protective equipment. It's all very strange! But, it's things like this that make me laugh.

Changes

Oops, I did it again! I've just finished the second week of nursing school and I'm pooped. Extremely exhausted. But, in the long run, it's going to be so worth it. I'm learning so much every day and I'm making new friends and branching out.

Today, we did our CPR training through the American Heart Association. Can you believe I was injured?? Well, maybe it was just a minor injury... Ok, it's a blister; a little, painful blister on the heel of my palm. I guess I was really getting into the chest compressions! Because of the CPR training, we finished a few hours earlier than normal so a few of us went out to lunch. It feels nice to be making new friends that I have something other than recovery in common with. We sat at Chic-fil-a and talked about bloody accidents over our “chikin”. Really starting to feel like I’m on a career path is an amazing feeling.

Homework is consuming most of my time these days. I get up at 5:30a and I’m in school from 7:30a to 3:30p. Then, I come home, watch an episode of something on ABC Family and have a snack, then do homework and reading until 9:30 and usually to bed by 10. Saying that my brain is fried right now would be an understatement! I really need to work on my time management skills and fit a few more meetings in. This week, I’ve only been to my home group. It’s all a learning process and I’m really working to see what I can improve on and change to make things a little more efficient.

Gratitude has been high on my list lately. Although I hate getting up at the butt-crack of dawn, I love learning. Without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’ve been reflecting on how much AA has given me in just the past few years and I can’t help but smile. Thank you, God, for keeping me away from a drink and a drug for another day. =)

Going through something

I am definitely going through something. I'm so frustrated all the time. Easily angered. Always upset. It's been like this since Friday and the boyfriend is seriously adding to my mood.

School starts in two weeks and it's almost "that time" of the month. I'm sure those two things have a lot more to do with this perpetual state I'm experiencing. I know I'm stressed and I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. This is one of those times when I wish my boyfriend could actually read my mind. (I would try really hard not to tell him to fuck of with my eyes if he could) But, he can't. He just keeps saying things like, "What's wrong with you?" And every time he asks it it sounds more like an accusation than an actual concern. He doesn't get it. He goes through every single day the same way. Get up, buy breakfast (even though we have tons of food at home) go to work, (buy lunch even though we have tons of food at home) come home from work (to a cooked dinner) shower, and then lay in bed for several hours watching tv until it's time to go to sleep. He just avoids the world altogether. Then there's me. Taking everything head on when it comes at me. Things get dealt with, filed, paid, and onto the next task. The house gets cleaned, groceries get bought, meals get made, laundry gets done, the litter gets scooped.

I sure could use some help around here... I've even asked for it. It either gets done half-assed because he's so concerned about laying in bed watching tv, or it just doesn't get done at all. I'm really frustrated. I'm sick of my things being moved and never found again. Bills being tossed that were important. Tax return documents that "never came in the mail". I'm frustrated. And, individually, these things are small. But, collectively, I'm getting pushed over the edge. I've tried to explain that I'm stressed. That my last day off was Jan 20 and then next is going to be Feb 22, but that's the day I start school... So, really, I"m not going to have a day off for months. I'm tired. My job is watching people die. Keeping them comfortable and making sure they have what they need when they need it. It's stressful. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that I'm tired and stressed??

Anyway, I think that's all of my rant for now. I'm on the verge of tears and I've got to get ready for work. Good day to all.

Progress

I feel like I'm so busy these days. With my job, it all comes at once or it doesn't come at all. So, until school starts on Feb. 22 I'll be working 7 days a week.

I've been spending a day a week with my sister and she seems to be holding her own these days. Still no sign of the loser ex-boyfriend! I have been through some awful relationships and I understand how they can really get into your head. There is only so long that someone, whom you believe you love, can tell you you're worthless before you believe him. Which is what happened. That curse of having no self-esteem is a hard fog to come out of. It was for me and I know it is for her.

Tonight is my homegroup and I'm totally not looking forward to going. It's turned into a cat fest of who can out share who and it's a total drag. I always hope that it's going to change, but nothing does. Tonight is also our monthly business meeting and a lot will be discussed and I'm anticipating an all out war at this point... Ugh. Perhaps, in August when my 2 year term as secretary is up, it will be time to just move on. There are some women in there with 20+ years of sobriety that I always used to respect, but at this point I feel like I'm railroaded every time I ask a question or present a motion because they "know" better. It seems our business meeting has become "organized"...

Also, I've finally heard back on some of my amends. I'll post more on how that went later, for now, I've got to go to work!

Oopsie!

Wow, it's been a bit since my last post and boy has life been hectic for the last week and a half. Last week turned into a whirlwind and flew by.

Last Sunday, my sister was out of her gord crazy, drunk, high, and we had to Baker Act her (involuntary commitment here in Florida). I talked to the nurse a few times when she was in the ER and she was screaming and combative. They ended up having to restrain her and give her two shots of halidol. When she woke up in the ER in the morning, she didn't remember anything or know how she ended up with a cast on her arm. Scary times. They transported her to the psych hospital for a 3 day say and adjusted her medications; things seem to be improving. Only time will tell and she's got to be willing to do the work. I've got to have faith in her though.

Four years ago, she did the same thing for me. I was overdosing and she called 911 and they took me away. I stayed in the hospital for 30 days before getting released to do 2 months in a residential treatment center. The craziness of what she's put herself through these last few weeks really brought the memories back for me. When you're in that crazy place you really don't think what kind of an impact it has on anyone else. You don't realize how stressful it is for anyone but yourself. Well, now I know. It's damn stressful. I'm grateful for the experience though. I got to see what the craziness is like from the other side of the double locked doors. And, I've got to say, I prefer the look from this side. =)

So, last week when she was in the hospital I went down to feed her cats (she lives about 40 minutes south of me) and I went through her house. Got rid of the drugs, dumped out the alcohol, packed her a bag of clothes, and fed her cats. It was an absolute disaster in that house. So, last Wednseday when she was released I picked her up and took her home, made her dinner, and helped her clean her house. I know, for me, that when things get that bad they seem so overwhelming and I end up just leave them instead of jumping in and taking care of it. We also went to a women's meeting about a mile from where she lives. It's so nice to get out to other meetings and hear other people share. I feel like I'm sort of in a rut with aftercare on Wednesday's, so, as long as she's willing to let me come down there I'll continue to go. Which is what I did again this week. I made dinner again and we went to the women's meeting and hung out a bit and watched a little bit of American Idol before I headed back home. It's been so long since she's really let anyone come over and spend time with her that I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.

As for me, I've had a busy time in my own life on top of all of this. I've been working during the day and at night, which doesn't always leave me in the greatest of moods. But, it's for a limited time - one more month. Then I start nursing school. I went in yesterday and paid my tuition and purchased all of my books. It's so exciting to be able to move forward with my life. I've done so much work in the last year and it felt like none of it was leading anywhere when I got denied for financial aid because I made too much money. And, I made too much money because I worked my butt off to pull my student loans out of default. But, in the end, it has all worked out. My parents helped with the money to pay for the class and I'll be put on an extended payment plan. LOL. It always cracks me up with I think of my Mom's payment plans. In the past, I never paid a bill on time. But, now, I pay it back in full! Amazing. But to be more serious, it's amazing that my parents have enough faith in me to pay that much money in anticipation that I'll finish and do well. I've never finished a thing in my life, but they have faith in me and that's an amazing feeling.

So, I'm taking that faith and putting it somewhere else as well. In my sister. Someday, perhaps she'll be able to put that faith into herself. =)

Near Beer

Every Wednesday afternoon I go to this thing called Aftercare. It's more of a group therapy-ish session than anything. But people refer to it as lots of different things including a free, extended outpatient program. There are a few of us who have been coming back for multiple years and then there are the new people just graduating and there are the people who come intermittently.

One of the 'intermittent' people came this past Wednesday, which is what usually happens after the big holidays. We all reported in about our holiday and if we had any particular struggles as did this woman. She shared that she went to many Christmas parties where alcohol was served and that she had a hard time not drinking at them. She has about 9 months of sobriety. She went on to share that her friends were extremely kind and understanding and even went so far as to have non-alcoholic wines and beers available for her to drink, so she could 'fit in'. Ugh. She also went on to say that even though she was never a beer drinker and didn't like the taste, she drank the non-alcoholic beer.

So many red flags come up in my head when I hear people share things like this. The first one is, to each their own. Some people can drink those things and be okay. But, the other things that come to my head are the plain fact that non-alcoholic beer, however minimal, has alcohol in it. It's evident in the fact that minors under 21 can't purchase it. And, is that the only way you can fit in? With a drink in your hand? Is going through that 'old' ritual leading you closer to a drink? Isn't that sort of romancing the kind of life that got you to this point in the first place? And, if you never drank beer in the first place and didn't like it, why drink the non-alcoholic version?

It was a good group, lots of great discussions and opinions on the topic. For me, I don't engage in those sorts of things. Sure, I am occasionally places where a majority of the people are drinking, but it doesn't happen too often. And, the "near beer" is a little too close to home for me. Primarily, because it has alcohol in it but also because it's not safe for me. One day I might feel like it's okay to drink regular beer and whatever I can do each day to keep me as far from that thought as possible is what I'll do.

As for her, she actually had no idea that there was alcohol in the non-alcoholic beer and has no intention of drinking it again. Scary thought!

F**kin' Perfect

I've completed my 9th step. I've made my amends and I'm moving on. The things I've done have defined the person I've become but they don't have to continue to hang over my head and leave that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. One of the amends I made was to my older sister. We aren't on good terms at all and I'm okay if it continues to stay that way or if it doesn't. I don't have control of the situation and I've forgiven myself for my part in the entire fiasco. What it comes down to is that she's intimidated by my sobriety, or something like that. Last year she actually refused to come spend the Christmas holiday with us because she didn't want to have an "AA Holiday". That was like a stab to the heart for me and I reacted without thinking and blew it out of the water. In reality, I know she was just using me as an excuse, but it still hurt. Like, gut-wrenching hurt.

It's all out of my control and it's not really all about me. But, what I have to remember is that I do have control of my behavior. That was not my finest moment. Thank God I can learn from these things and, through working the steps, I can see where I was wrong and attempt not to repeat the same behaviors over and over and over.

The other day my boyfriend came home with P!nk's new CD - a greatest hits edition with two new tracks. The final track on the album is titled "F**kin' Perfect" and it has just hit home for me. Each time I hear it I feel super emotional and empowered. She is such an amazing, strong woman and I love her music. So, I'm going to post the chorus to the song and encourage everyone to listen it. Here's the song if you wanna listen. There is no video yet, but it's a decent version of the song. It helps me remember that I'm always enough and perfect the way I'm am. On those days when I'm not feeling like I'm enough, I'm still perfect to someone, even if it's not myself. I AM ENOUGH.

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
F**king perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're f**king perfect to me