Monday, February 7, 2011

Going through something

I am definitely going through something. I'm so frustrated all the time. Easily angered. Always upset. It's been like this since Friday and the boyfriend is seriously adding to my mood.

School starts in two weeks and it's almost "that time" of the month. I'm sure those two things have a lot more to do with this perpetual state I'm experiencing. I know I'm stressed and I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. This is one of those times when I wish my boyfriend could actually read my mind. (I would try really hard not to tell him to fuck of with my eyes if he could) But, he can't. He just keeps saying things like, "What's wrong with you?" And every time he asks it it sounds more like an accusation than an actual concern. He doesn't get it. He goes through every single day the same way. Get up, buy breakfast (even though we have tons of food at home) go to work, (buy lunch even though we have tons of food at home) come home from work (to a cooked dinner) shower, and then lay in bed for several hours watching tv until it's time to go to sleep. He just avoids the world altogether. Then there's me. Taking everything head on when it comes at me. Things get dealt with, filed, paid, and onto the next task. The house gets cleaned, groceries get bought, meals get made, laundry gets done, the litter gets scooped.

I sure could use some help around here... I've even asked for it. It either gets done half-assed because he's so concerned about laying in bed watching tv, or it just doesn't get done at all. I'm really frustrated. I'm sick of my things being moved and never found again. Bills being tossed that were important. Tax return documents that "never came in the mail". I'm frustrated. And, individually, these things are small. But, collectively, I'm getting pushed over the edge. I've tried to explain that I'm stressed. That my last day off was Jan 20 and then next is going to be Feb 22, but that's the day I start school... So, really, I"m not going to have a day off for months. I'm tired. My job is watching people die. Keeping them comfortable and making sure they have what they need when they need it. It's stressful. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that I'm tired and stressed??

Anyway, I think that's all of my rant for now. I'm on the verge of tears and I've got to get ready for work. Good day to all.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I feel like I'm so busy these days. With my job, it all comes at once or it doesn't come at all. So, until school starts on Feb. 22 I'll be working 7 days a week.

I've been spending a day a week with my sister and she seems to be holding her own these days. Still no sign of the loser ex-boyfriend! I have been through some awful relationships and I understand how they can really get into your head. There is only so long that someone, whom you believe you love, can tell you you're worthless before you believe him. Which is what happened. That curse of having no self-esteem is a hard fog to come out of. It was for me and I know it is for her.

Tonight is my homegroup and I'm totally not looking forward to going. It's turned into a cat fest of who can out share who and it's a total drag. I always hope that it's going to change, but nothing does. Tonight is also our monthly business meeting and a lot will be discussed and I'm anticipating an all out war at this point... Ugh. Perhaps, in August when my 2 year term as secretary is up, it will be time to just move on. There are some women in there with 20+ years of sobriety that I always used to respect, but at this point I feel like I'm railroaded every time I ask a question or present a motion because they "know" better. It seems our business meeting has become "organized"...

Also, I've finally heard back on some of my amends. I'll post more on how that went later, for now, I've got to go to work!