Monday, February 7, 2011

Going through something

I am definitely going through something. I'm so frustrated all the time. Easily angered. Always upset. It's been like this since Friday and the boyfriend is seriously adding to my mood.

School starts in two weeks and it's almost "that time" of the month. I'm sure those two things have a lot more to do with this perpetual state I'm experiencing. I know I'm stressed and I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. This is one of those times when I wish my boyfriend could actually read my mind. (I would try really hard not to tell him to fuck of with my eyes if he could) But, he can't. He just keeps saying things like, "What's wrong with you?" And every time he asks it it sounds more like an accusation than an actual concern. He doesn't get it. He goes through every single day the same way. Get up, buy breakfast (even though we have tons of food at home) go to work, (buy lunch even though we have tons of food at home) come home from work (to a cooked dinner) shower, and then lay in bed for several hours watching tv until it's time to go to sleep. He just avoids the world altogether. Then there's me. Taking everything head on when it comes at me. Things get dealt with, filed, paid, and onto the next task. The house gets cleaned, groceries get bought, meals get made, laundry gets done, the litter gets scooped.

I sure could use some help around here... I've even asked for it. It either gets done half-assed because he's so concerned about laying in bed watching tv, or it just doesn't get done at all. I'm really frustrated. I'm sick of my things being moved and never found again. Bills being tossed that were important. Tax return documents that "never came in the mail". I'm frustrated. And, individually, these things are small. But, collectively, I'm getting pushed over the edge. I've tried to explain that I'm stressed. That my last day off was Jan 20 and then next is going to be Feb 22, but that's the day I start school... So, really, I"m not going to have a day off for months. I'm tired. My job is watching people die. Keeping them comfortable and making sure they have what they need when they need it. It's stressful. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that I'm tired and stressed??

Anyway, I think that's all of my rant for now. I'm on the verge of tears and I've got to get ready for work. Good day to all.


  1. One of the painful lessons I'm learning in recovery is that when/if I have ANY expectations of another human, I will almost always be disappointed and frustrated.
    Something I work on daily. Especially with my partner.

  2. THANK YOU! Sometimes when I'm this over emotional it's really hard to sift through everything to figure out what's really going on. Thank you.

  3. When I first reached Al-Anon I was overwhelmed with responsibilities. I took on everything because I thought I was the only one capable of doing things the way they should be done. My way and I was right. Then I resented being left holding the bag. I didn't take care of myself and I was hell to live with. I realized I signed up for this and I could choose not to be a victim. I had to learn to take care of myself first a leave others to take care of their stuff. The PMS just shows whats just beneath the surface. Hope you do something just for you.

  4. Hey K I just started following your blog and really wish I had been sooner :-)

    I completely agree with the stepping back and doing something just for you. I tend to shut down, feeling like a burden, when I hit the point you are at and then just get either angrier or more sad. It rarely ends well.

    My new way of dealing with stress is to first - write it down, second - meditate in a bubble bath, then only if I'm feeling like I won't choke someone spontaneously, talk it through.

    The results aren't always what I want but I feel much better knowing I did what I could to handle it rationally and drama-free.

    Although sometimes, you just gotta say "Go fuck yourself."