Another day gone!

I've turned into one of those people who is incapable of saying no to their boss. I start off saying no to these extra shifts and within 30 minutes I've, yet again, picked up another shift on what is supposed to be my day off. Gr. So, after working a 12 hour night shift I went back to work at 4:30 this afternoon for a few extra hours and I now need to be up a 5am to get to work tomorrow (which was actually an entire day off).

But, thank God that I'm getting extra hours during the Holiday season when most people don't even have a job. I'm so grateful that I can pay my bills today.

Oh what a long week it's been. I've been working killer weeks around 75 - 80 hours. I'm. So. Tired. Fortunately, tonight is the last night and I'm actually going to be able to not only sleep in a bed again, but I'll be able to sleep more than 3-4 hours. Sleeping during the day just isn't my thing.

So, anyway. Earlier in the week I decided to send out Christmas cards again. It's been quite a few years with everything that has happened: divorce, moving, hospital, rehab, moving, moving, moving, new job, moving. Just too much to take on AND do extra on the holidays. I started setting up everything on my computer to print the envelopes (why hand write it??) and had almost all of them addressed when my computer just shut down. Yep. It shut down and never came back on. At all. I was devastated; even started crying. How am I going to live without a computer? Me? Without the internet? My only link would be my BlackBerry? Ugh. That just can't be. Fortunately my family gave me my Christmas money early and I was able to get another one - and let me tell you, this thing is the best ever! Windows 7, 4 GB dual core pentium, 320 GB hard drive, 16" widescreen display, built-in webcam with facial recognition for security, and a 3.5 hour battery life. This is the finest machine I've had yet! And, now I can finish my Christmas cards.

I know, I know. This is when I'm supposed to go to that place of gratitude and remember that all things happen for a reason and that they'll find a way to work themselves out and that God won't give me more than I can handle. I suppose this should be a time of reflection for me; after all, my 3 year anniversary is in just a few days. But right now all I can think of is how fine this shiny new laptop is and that in a few days I'll be playing the Sims 3.

The Shack

“The Shack” is turning out to be an amazing book. I didn’t expect it to be anything like it is. It really makes me want to strive harder to make a better conscious contact with God and to try to see God in everything. I’d really like to gain insight along with that kind of super strong relationship that is all-trusting and all-knowing. I really feel like I’m missing out on that, but I also know that it’s a definite possibility for me to have; and just knowing that makes me feel a little better.

Just for today...

Some days I feel like everything is falling apart and then some days I feel like things couldn't be better. I know that neither situation is reality and that it's actually somewhere in between. I just wish I could handle the highs and lows a little better than I do. Then again, maybe I'm meant to cry all those tears I generally hold in. Maybe it's good for me to spend a day in misery and get past it even though it feels like my world is falling apart. Certainly I don't have all the answers but each day get better and I learn a little more about myself.

I've really been putting things off lately and have made a commitment to get back on track. I really need to get cracking on my step work that I've been putting of. And, I need to get my student loans taken care of. Consolidation is probably the route I'll take but I'm not exactly 100% ready to make that call yet. After all, they're already stealing their money back by garnishing my paychecks. Again, all my fault. I suppose that had I actually called the U.S. Dept. of Ed. sometime in the last 10 years, I might have a better grasp on the entire situation. But, it is what it is and it's getting easier to think about each day.

I haven't been feeling really grateful lately either. I've pretty much been miserable. Yet, I know how many things I have that I'm grateful for. Could be pms. I do like to blame everything on mother nature!! =)

This too shall pass.

Mum's the word

What an evening I had at work last night. 19 hours in one day is just too many to work. I'm exhausted and couldn't manage to sleep more than 4 hours this morning so I spent the rest of the afternoon ironing. I love to iron. Yes, iron. I haven't had an ironing board in a few years - OK I'm lying, I had a table top one but I don't feel like it really counts... it's like not having one - so now I'm taking full advantage of it and ironing almost everything I own. Ironing keeps me busy. Gives me something to do with my idle time and my busy mind so I don't get myself in trouble. Today, trouble would have consisted of yelling at my forever irresponsible roommate for her latest flavor of the week double parking and making it impossible to get into my spot this morning after I haven't been to bed in over a day. At that point I realize it's not her fault but I still hold her responsible for letting her "guests" know what's acceptable or not when they're here. And, at 9am when my relief for my endless shift has been late and I'm beyond tired, I get pissed easily. But, today I took the high road. I didn't say a word. I got my Little Debbie Fancy Cakes with the Mary Englebreit mail in stationary offer and went to bed, without saying a word.

Here we go

It's been so long since I've written anything at all. Well, other than my journal and I'm not publishing ALL of that chaos. We're just going to have to see where this goes and hopefully I'll get a few readers and make a few friends along the way.

I'm in recovery and hopefully that will be part of the topic of some of my posts. I'm an alcoholic/addict. Although, most people don't prefer to differentiate between the two, there is a chance that someone will happen upon me and be able to identify with what I've got to say or may be curious about recovery in general. That's mainly what my life revolves around and, free of resentments, I'll be able to keep it that way. I attend about 3 meetings a week these days and generally only AA - but I do hit NA once in a while.

Somehow, over the last few years, I've gotten myself a bunch of friends I'm no longer satisfied with. My sponsor says I'm growing out of them - which is apparently normal. But, it's left me feeling dissatisfied and uneasy. So, hopefully getting some of that out on here and realizing how ridiculous I sound will put a different perspective on things.

Other than that, lately things have just been irking me and I need a place to vent them before I explode! Like, why a 50 something year old man would possibly think that people would believe his psychotic episode which convinced him he was engaged to Miley Cyrus. Or why the guy on the hover-round commercial this morning said, "It's so comfortable when I'm sitting in it that I forget I'm even in a chair!" Or something to that effect. Or why Blanche said this morning on the Golden Girls, "Now my only chance is to become an intellectual or find a retired Jew." (No offense intended, it is just a quote from the Golden Girls after all)

Supposing that's enough of an introduction, I'm going back to work! It was a tough schedule this week and I've only got about 7 hours left until I get the weekend off.