Growing up, or something like that.

I had no idea that I'd be this busy with nursing school or that my life would change so much. I think I'm having a growth spurt of some sort. When we started school they told us that we would not be the same person at the end of the year, maybe I didn't believe them; but I do now. We're almost done with the first half of the program and I feel so changed. Like I have a new direction for my life. Which brings me to the problem at hand... I'm outgrowing my boyfriend. One day I just started feeling different. I'm growing up and he's not. I want a family, career, home, friends, hobbies, a retirement fund, and a retirement. Those are goals to me and to him they're just ideas that can perhaps be looked at when the time comes. We've been together for 3 years and haven't been intimate whatsoever for the last year. I look at him and I'm angry. I try to communicate and I'm met with silence, which seems to be an answer of sorts. I've tried every way to approach the situation, there are none left. I look around at our home and we have nothing in common. He's a sports and movie nut and I'm content to curl up with a book. He has no ambitions for education and I can't imagine going a day without learning something new. What I do know for sure is that this relationship is over.

I'm sort of stuck in this current relationship for the next year. Before I started school we made a deal that I'd work and pay for everything the year before school and while I was in school he'd take care of everything so that I'd have time to study and do what I needed to do. My car died and I had to junk it and now I drive his extra vehicle. Can I make it 9 more months in this situation? Days like the last few make me doubt it, but I have to give it some serious thought. Everything is a chore to him, which leaves me to do everything or it just doesn't get done. He thinks that laying in bed watching tv for 13 hours on his day off is what he's supposed to do... I feel like he needs to take care of a few things, at the very least, and get his ass out of bed. I'm frustrated, overtired, and fed up with this lazy man who is incapable of approaching any situation with an open mind or some sort of rational thought process. The latest situation to arise is our difference of opinion. Apparently, anytime I disagree with him I'm doing it for spite - just to be able to disagree. He's forgotten that I'm an independent human being with a mind of my own and that I'm capable of forming educated opinions based on facts...

Thank God I have a program of recovery and I know when to attempt to let go and let God. Obviously, it doesn't happen every time but it does happen more than it used to. My sponsor says I need to look at him like he's a sick person and treat him with compassion. Much easier said than done. She also says to approach the entire situation with integrity and essentially keep my side of the street clean. So, please, if someone could pray for me, I'm going through it right now.

Still here!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted! The days have just been flying by and before I know it another week has gone by. School is keeping me so busy, which is a good thing. We've just finished an Anatomy & Physiology course in 4 weeks and I've managed, through tons of hard work, to end up with a 97% final grade. Yay! There aren't actual words for how ecstatic I am to be finished with it. This is going to be one long year. Only 9 1/2 months left to go.

I've still been going to meetings and trying to keep up on that as much as I possibly can. This is one of those times that I can actually see that being in recovery is truly a blessing for me. I actually have time to get work done as well as time to go to meetings and keep my life together. Some of the students at school are having a hard time keeping up and every thursday when the day is done, they go out drinking. The first time I went with them, I had no idea what I was getting into, than God I had dinner scheduled with my sponsor and a few women from my homegroup. It's not that I wanted to drink, but I can see how quickly people change from one setting to the next and I don't think I'll ever feel a need to be a part of that again. The second time I went, we actually just went to eat and I bailed as soon as we were done with dinner. I'm grateful to have a few friends at school but I can tell that that's as far as those friendships are going to go for the majority of them.

So, courtesy of a cool lady at school I was encouraged to take the Myers-Briggs personality test. And, I was told to be super proud of my personality type, INFJ. Apparently it's the rarest one and only 1-3% of the population is categorized as an INFJ. Has anyone else taken this test? What does it actually mean?

Day 1, done

Today was our first day of clinicals for the nursing program. We had to be there by 6:15am and we finished just after 12:30pm. Most of it was orientation to the facility and getting to know our residents. Holy hectic chaos! I've been doing this kind of work for 3 years now, but I do private care for 1 person at a time. For the next week we're going to have 6 patients each. It makes the time go by so quickly! I love it! I'm exhausted, but it's a good exhausted and it's so nice to actually work with other people instead of being stuck in a room alone with someone for 12 hours or more.

Last night was my homegroup meeting and it was a good one. The last Tuesday of each month is an aniversary meeting and the celbrants each get to speak for a bit. This month we had 3, including my sponsor. It seems like each year that passes we learn something new about someone. To me, this is such a gift. Going back to those first few days and on through to what the last year has been like always brings something new. Thank God for this ever changing process in recovery and our ability to continue to grow and learn. I hope I never stop being able to grow inside as well as with the people around me.

Going Clinical!

Time sure can pass quickly. I've been so busy with school lately that I haven't had time for much else. We've already had 3 quizes and our final exam for the first level of the course is on Monday. I'm doing pretty well so far with a 96%, 100%, and 100% which really reinforces my decision to only work on the weekends. Although, I don't always end up with shifts. The patient I've been with for the last 2 years passed away a few weeks ago in surgery. And the other patient I was taking care of passed away just a few days ago. Sad stuff, this work I do. They say, in my work, to not get personal with the patients... but how is that possible when you sit for 12 hours shifts with them and there is no one else to talk to? It's virtually impossible. So, with that said, I have no shifts! It's good and it's bad. The good part is that I get to rest here and there and get paid for being on call and the bad part is that I really need the money to pay bills with. Such a catch-22.

I've still been making it to most of my meetings but I do recognize the times when I just need to rest and go to sleep early. Things seem to be taking a better turn in my homegroup, which is a good thing. There is a lot less conflict lately and the women who wait until the end to share to top everyone else and let us all know how it's "supposed" to be done, haven't been there. I'm sure it's a God thing.

So, next week in school we are going to do all of our clinical check-off's and then we will go clinical. It's super exciting! Right now, we're just doing the CNA portion of the course and that's what I do for work already which makes it all a breeze. It's going to be nice to get a different perspective being able to work with other people, have equipment and supplies that I need, and have a variety of things to get done. When I'm at work, it's usually a bore. I get a lot of reading done, but I sure do spend a lot of time sitting on my ass in a chair. I can't wait to be busy the whole time and really feel like I've gotten something done. =)

Spring Break, Baby!

Today is the first day of spring break for me. And, I've already mady two typos calling it "sprint" break. Hmmm. Let's hope it doesn't sprint by me. My plans for next week are to get one group of assignments ahead and relax by the pool catching some rays. I've only picked up one extra shift for work and I don't forsee too many others; already making it clear to my agency that I need a break, I'm hoping that they don't call too many times.

Even if I don't get anything productive done this coming week, things will be okay. Right now I feel fried and sore. Something is wrong with my knee, so I'm wearing a brace on it and icing it, and my back got a slight strain the other day when my instructor gave me the biggest guy in the class to do position changes on... There's a reason there should be two people when someone is fully incapicitated.

And, for next week, incorporating a few more meetings into my schedule. I'm not always going to be able to go whenever it's convienent because this nursing course is condensed and very intense. Although, I never miss my home group, I sure could use a big piece of AA pie.

My dreams lately have been all about drinking and school. I don't want to drink, but I think because I'm so overtired it's what my alcoholic brain automatically defaults to. In some of the dreams I'm sneaking drinks and in others I'm just flat out drinking and have never been in recovery. Things like this truly help me along my road. I never feel good in the dream and when I wake up, it's refreshing to know I don't have to live like that anymore. But, I must say, in all of these dreams... I'm wearing latex gloves and other protective equipment. It's all very strange! But, it's things like this that make me laugh.

Changes

Oops, I did it again! I've just finished the second week of nursing school and I'm pooped. Extremely exhausted. But, in the long run, it's going to be so worth it. I'm learning so much every day and I'm making new friends and branching out.

Today, we did our CPR training through the American Heart Association. Can you believe I was injured?? Well, maybe it was just a minor injury... Ok, it's a blister; a little, painful blister on the heel of my palm. I guess I was really getting into the chest compressions! Because of the CPR training, we finished a few hours earlier than normal so a few of us went out to lunch. It feels nice to be making new friends that I have something other than recovery in common with. We sat at Chic-fil-a and talked about bloody accidents over our “chikin”. Really starting to feel like I’m on a career path is an amazing feeling.

Homework is consuming most of my time these days. I get up at 5:30a and I’m in school from 7:30a to 3:30p. Then, I come home, watch an episode of something on ABC Family and have a snack, then do homework and reading until 9:30 and usually to bed by 10. Saying that my brain is fried right now would be an understatement! I really need to work on my time management skills and fit a few more meetings in. This week, I’ve only been to my home group. It’s all a learning process and I’m really working to see what I can improve on and change to make things a little more efficient.

Gratitude has been high on my list lately. Although I hate getting up at the butt-crack of dawn, I love learning. Without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’ve been reflecting on how much AA has given me in just the past few years and I can’t help but smile. Thank you, God, for keeping me away from a drink and a drug for another day. =)

Going through something

I am definitely going through something. I'm so frustrated all the time. Easily angered. Always upset. It's been like this since Friday and the boyfriend is seriously adding to my mood.

School starts in two weeks and it's almost "that time" of the month. I'm sure those two things have a lot more to do with this perpetual state I'm experiencing. I know I'm stressed and I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. This is one of those times when I wish my boyfriend could actually read my mind. (I would try really hard not to tell him to fuck of with my eyes if he could) But, he can't. He just keeps saying things like, "What's wrong with you?" And every time he asks it it sounds more like an accusation than an actual concern. He doesn't get it. He goes through every single day the same way. Get up, buy breakfast (even though we have tons of food at home) go to work, (buy lunch even though we have tons of food at home) come home from work (to a cooked dinner) shower, and then lay in bed for several hours watching tv until it's time to go to sleep. He just avoids the world altogether. Then there's me. Taking everything head on when it comes at me. Things get dealt with, filed, paid, and onto the next task. The house gets cleaned, groceries get bought, meals get made, laundry gets done, the litter gets scooped.

I sure could use some help around here... I've even asked for it. It either gets done half-assed because he's so concerned about laying in bed watching tv, or it just doesn't get done at all. I'm really frustrated. I'm sick of my things being moved and never found again. Bills being tossed that were important. Tax return documents that "never came in the mail". I'm frustrated. And, individually, these things are small. But, collectively, I'm getting pushed over the edge. I've tried to explain that I'm stressed. That my last day off was Jan 20 and then next is going to be Feb 22, but that's the day I start school... So, really, I"m not going to have a day off for months. I'm tired. My job is watching people die. Keeping them comfortable and making sure they have what they need when they need it. It's stressful. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that I'm tired and stressed??

Anyway, I think that's all of my rant for now. I'm on the verge of tears and I've got to get ready for work. Good day to all.

Oopsie!

Wow, it's been a bit since my last post and boy has life been hectic for the last week and a half. Last week turned into a whirlwind and flew by.

Last Sunday, my sister was out of her gord crazy, drunk, high, and we had to Baker Act her (involuntary commitment here in Florida). I talked to the nurse a few times when she was in the ER and she was screaming and combative. They ended up having to restrain her and give her two shots of halidol. When she woke up in the ER in the morning, she didn't remember anything or know how she ended up with a cast on her arm. Scary times. They transported her to the psych hospital for a 3 day say and adjusted her medications; things seem to be improving. Only time will tell and she's got to be willing to do the work. I've got to have faith in her though.

Four years ago, she did the same thing for me. I was overdosing and she called 911 and they took me away. I stayed in the hospital for 30 days before getting released to do 2 months in a residential treatment center. The craziness of what she's put herself through these last few weeks really brought the memories back for me. When you're in that crazy place you really don't think what kind of an impact it has on anyone else. You don't realize how stressful it is for anyone but yourself. Well, now I know. It's damn stressful. I'm grateful for the experience though. I got to see what the craziness is like from the other side of the double locked doors. And, I've got to say, I prefer the look from this side. =)

So, last week when she was in the hospital I went down to feed her cats (she lives about 40 minutes south of me) and I went through her house. Got rid of the drugs, dumped out the alcohol, packed her a bag of clothes, and fed her cats. It was an absolute disaster in that house. So, last Wednseday when she was released I picked her up and took her home, made her dinner, and helped her clean her house. I know, for me, that when things get that bad they seem so overwhelming and I end up just leave them instead of jumping in and taking care of it. We also went to a women's meeting about a mile from where she lives. It's so nice to get out to other meetings and hear other people share. I feel like I'm sort of in a rut with aftercare on Wednesday's, so, as long as she's willing to let me come down there I'll continue to go. Which is what I did again this week. I made dinner again and we went to the women's meeting and hung out a bit and watched a little bit of American Idol before I headed back home. It's been so long since she's really let anyone come over and spend time with her that I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.

As for me, I've had a busy time in my own life on top of all of this. I've been working during the day and at night, which doesn't always leave me in the greatest of moods. But, it's for a limited time - one more month. Then I start nursing school. I went in yesterday and paid my tuition and purchased all of my books. It's so exciting to be able to move forward with my life. I've done so much work in the last year and it felt like none of it was leading anywhere when I got denied for financial aid because I made too much money. And, I made too much money because I worked my butt off to pull my student loans out of default. But, in the end, it has all worked out. My parents helped with the money to pay for the class and I'll be put on an extended payment plan. LOL. It always cracks me up with I think of my Mom's payment plans. In the past, I never paid a bill on time. But, now, I pay it back in full! Amazing. But to be more serious, it's amazing that my parents have enough faith in me to pay that much money in anticipation that I'll finish and do well. I've never finished a thing in my life, but they have faith in me and that's an amazing feeling.

So, I'm taking that faith and putting it somewhere else as well. In my sister. Someday, perhaps she'll be able to put that faith into herself. =)

Minor Meltdown

I'm having a minor meltdown today. My hours at work, which are never consistent because I do private home healthcare, have been cut from 67 hours at the beginning of this week to a mere 18 hours. Right before Christmas. To say the least, I'm stressed out. However, I do have faith that everything will work out, as it always does. My agency respects me and generally overloads me with hours for shifts. This one is out of their hands as it is a case where the other caregivers are self-employeed and don't work through an agency. A few weeks ago I had a boat load of hours, then no hours, then a boat load of hours. That darn family needs to make up their minds and figure things out. My bank account can't handle the big fat middle finger I've just been given.

So, I'm over my panic moment and back to where I need to be. I've been in these situations before and it always works out. I've been with my agency for 3 years now and they always come through even when it's at the very last minute. I'm reliable, I go in at the last minute, and I never call off. Now that I've had my few breaths, I'm okay. I had a 30 minute cry over it all and I'm back to having faith, like usual. Things work out the way they're supposed to work out and I know that.

I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO NURSING SCHOOL!!!! I called yesterday and they confirmed! The last time I was in the office the secretary said I could call on the 13th (the day they mail out the letters) and ask because once they mail out the letters it becomes putlic knowledge and they can officially confirm. So I did! I was shaking and so nervous and was going to just wait until the letter came in the mail, but, I couldn't so I called. I'm really excited and feel like my life finally has some definite direction. And, when you put in the hard work you tend to get positive results.

I remember what life before I got sober and I could have never jumped through these hoops. Two entrance exams, blood work, transcripts, immunizations, photos, background checks. It would have been half-assed and at the last moment when it all seemed too much, I would have given up. It just goes to show you how much a person can change, given the chance.

Well, I'm off to dinner with my sponsor, then to my homegroup, and after to meet a friend at a speaker meeting. I need it today.

Time on my hands

It feels like it's been so long since I've had extra time to use as I please. Today, I'm just sitting here browsing and working on my genealogy. I have so much data to verify and keep up to date. Most of the time, when I speak of genealogy, people's eyes begin to glaze over. I can already see it happening to you. Well, if there is a you... Anyway, I hate history, but when it comes to my family research, I can't get enough of it! Since I purchased the new Family Tree Maker software, it's become even easier to keep things organized and updated as well as finding new tid bits of history. I just love it!

The next month is going to drag by, I can just feel it. I've finally finished the application process for nursing school. The deadline is Dec. 3 and the acceptance letters will go out on Dec. 13th. They seemed super hopeful and super impressed with all of my scores as well as my grad in the prerequisite class, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a feeling that all my studying and hard work is going to pay off.

I was required to take Medical Terminology as the prerequisite and received a final grade of 99%. I also had to take two entrance exams. The first one was the TABE test (Test of Adult Basic Education) which basically says that you can read at a specific equivalency to a high school grade. The requirememt was to receive an 11 (11th grade reading equivalency/vocabular/grammar/mathematics) and I got a 12.9 - the highest score you can achieve. The other test was called the HESI Test. It's a nursing entrance exam; I got an 87.62% and the average is 73%. I rocked that one! So, saying that I'm feeling pretty great at this point would be an understatement!

Also required was a criminal background check along with a physical. Holy money!! Since I'm so o.l.d. I never received a vaccination for chicken pox, because I "got" the chicken pox, so I had to get a titer to verify that I have an immunity to the varicella virus- which of course I do because I've had the chicken pox twice... Fortunately, I had copies of my immunizations from the time I was an infant all the way through high school so I didn't have to get titers for everything else as well. Doing all of these things without health insurance can be seriously, brutally, expensive. But, I made it through and it's all done and I can breathe for a few months until the program starts.

Tonight is my home group. It's a closed women's meeting. Lately, because of the former sponsee situation, I've been dreading going. She's still gossiping and hurting people and nothing has changed. There are a few things I need to remember: Q-Tip (Quit taking it personally) and consider the source. Normally, I don't have a problem pointing out to others that "it's not about you" but in this case I can't seem to give myself the same advice. I need to revisit steps 6&7 and get out of this self-centeredness and judgement and just move the hell on. I'm sure another 4th step wouldn't hurt the situation either... My sponsor and I are going to take another approach at the steps in the next few weeks- a perspective from the Fransciscan Sisters.

Here is my prayer for this week:
Gracious God, thank you for the moment of clarity which brought me to my knees, the moment of sanity in which I could finally admit my powerlessness. Give me the courage to look at the unmanageability in my life that I might make an option for life, for the wellness that you wish and desire for me.
Amen.

I'm so glad these last 2 weeks are over with. They were complete hell. I had to take 2 entrance exams in preparation for school. The first test was easy - I was, in fact, over-prepared. But, the second exam was brutal. I left with a terrible headache and a passing score. Those 2 scores along with my grade in medical terminology should put me somewhere near the top of the list. I've heard that there are approximately 100 applicants for the nursing program with only 22 available seats. I can't even think about the "what if I don't get accepted" scenario. I just keep telling myself that I AM going to school in February. I figure that the more positive energy I give it, the closer I am to having it realized. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Tonight is my favorite Big Book meeting... Well, to be honest, I'm lying. I consider it my service work to go there. It's at the treatment facility I attended a few years ago. Not too many people are willing to go to meetings there and I feel like, in order to carry the message I've got to show up and show that the program can work. There are only 2 to 3 people who come to the meeting anymore that aren't actually clients who live there. It truly saddens me. All I can do, at this point is continue to show up and announce it at other meetings.

I think that's it for now. My brain is fried today. I had so much test anxiety yesterday that it carried over into today and I'm just plain exhausted. I could go without seeing another prokaryotic cell until February 22! And, I don't want to hear another word about isotopes, allotropes, or any other diffusion across a membrane!

Happy Veteran's Day to all our veterans out there.