Friday, July 15, 2011

Growing up, or something like that.

I had no idea that I'd be this busy with nursing school or that my life would change so much. I think I'm having a growth spurt of some sort. When we started school they told us that we would not be the same person at the end of the year, maybe I didn't believe them; but I do now. We're almost done with the first half of the program and I feel so changed. Like I have a new direction for my life. Which brings me to the problem at hand... I'm outgrowing my boyfriend. One day I just started feeling different. I'm growing up and he's not. I want a family, career, home, friends, hobbies, a retirement fund, and a retirement. Those are goals to me and to him they're just ideas that can perhaps be looked at when the time comes. We've been together for 3 years and haven't been intimate whatsoever for the last year. I look at him and I'm angry. I try to communicate and I'm met with silence, which seems to be an answer of sorts. I've tried every way to approach the situation, there are none left. I look around at our home and we have nothing in common. He's a sports and movie nut and I'm content to curl up with a book. He has no ambitions for education and I can't imagine going a day without learning something new. What I do know for sure is that this relationship is over.

I'm sort of stuck in this current relationship for the next year. Before I started school we made a deal that I'd work and pay for everything the year before school and while I was in school he'd take care of everything so that I'd have time to study and do what I needed to do. My car died and I had to junk it and now I drive his extra vehicle. Can I make it 9 more months in this situation? Days like the last few make me doubt it, but I have to give it some serious thought. Everything is a chore to him, which leaves me to do everything or it just doesn't get done. He thinks that laying in bed watching tv for 13 hours on his day off is what he's supposed to do... I feel like he needs to take care of a few things, at the very least, and get his ass out of bed. I'm frustrated, overtired, and fed up with this lazy man who is incapable of approaching any situation with an open mind or some sort of rational thought process. The latest situation to arise is our difference of opinion. Apparently, anytime I disagree with him I'm doing it for spite - just to be able to disagree. He's forgotten that I'm an independent human being with a mind of my own and that I'm capable of forming educated opinions based on facts...

Thank God I have a program of recovery and I know when to attempt to let go and let God. Obviously, it doesn't happen every time but it does happen more than it used to. My sponsor says I need to look at him like he's a sick person and treat him with compassion. Much easier said than done. She also says to approach the entire situation with integrity and essentially keep my side of the street clean. So, please, if someone could pray for me, I'm going through it right now.

1 comment:

  1. Not a pleasant situation, but tolerable. Maybe?
    I bet it all unfolds just the way it's supposed to.