Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Let's get this party started!

I really need to get back to blogging. For years I did it every single day, multiple times. But, I've disabled those blogs because they were during my drinking days and mostly, they're a hot mess. Sometimes, I go back to read the posts as a reminder of what life was like. It seems I have a "built-in-forgetter" and at times when I remember what happened, things don't seem that bad. The reality is that they were. Those were some of the darkest days of my life and the easier it is for me to remember that, the easier it is for me to appreciate the greatness in each day of my life.

Recently, I've been going through some great discomfort. I had to let a sponsee go about two weeks ago due to the simple fact that she was verbally abusive. There was much more than that to it, but what pushed me over the line was how she spoke to me. The simple fact is that I'm not willing to put up with disrespectful behavior, I'm no ones doormat. Through this, I feel like I've been turned into a villian. I know that I'm not. But right now, she sits in MY homegroup each week and widens her innocent victim lies and reels the women into her nest of lies. (No judgement here...) It's really frustrating to continue trying to be the bigger person. Smile, say hello, tell her I'm glad she's there. Gr. Those things suck. They really suck. But, as a woman told me last week, "consider the source". And that's what I need to do. Eventually, her true colors are going to come out to everyone else and they're going to see what I've been dealing with for the last few months. Right now, I'm bitter, hurt, angry. I never want to have to look at her again. But the good part in me knows that things will turn out for the best. She has just as much right to be in that meeting as I do, and whether I like it or not, I'm going to fake it until I believe what I'm saying when I greet her. Hopefully, it's sooner than later.

Right now, I'm in extreme emotional discomfort. But, I'm doing what I need to in order to move on. I'm sharing, I talk to my sponsor, and I go to meetings. I've even gone as far as doing the symbolic motion of writing it on a piece of paper and putting it in my God box so that I can give it over to God and just let it go. But, right now it seems that I'm leaving claw marks all over it. One lesson I've learned over the past few years is that anything that leaves this much of an impact on me is the thing that is going to produce a great ammount of growth inside me and my program of recovery.

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