So much to be grateful for!

Well, the day has come. My sister is ready. I'm going to drive to her house today and take her to dinner and a meeting and to run a few errands.

I went to my first meeting ever with my sister and she had 2 1/2 years sober when that happened. 6 months later she relapsed and has been out for 3 1/2 years. Due to a DUI, she doesn't have a license and ended up selling her car because she couldn't pay the insurance on it; drinking was always more important. Can't say I haven't been there myself in the past...

So, I'm really excited to see her. I don't keep in close touch because she is crazy when she's drinking and I keep my distance for my mental well-being. But, she's asked for help and I'll be there for her. She did that for me, along with other people, and I'll do it for her.

Relationships

Relationships can be so hard sometimes. I have this boyfriend who likes to infer what my emotions are based on what we've discussed. 99% of the time they are way out in left field. I could be totally happy and he'll say, "Why aren't you happy with me." It's so frustrating. We just underwent another of those conversations. Yet again, I'm taking care of everything that he's too lazy to do. Laundry, vacuuming, and ordering his prescriptions online. On top of it all, he's got this never ending sore throat that his doctor has treated several times with no acutally diagnosis or relief from the symptoms. Every day for the last 3 months I've had to hear about his God-Damn sore throat. At this point, I'm pretty sure he's convinced himself that he's got throat cancer! Sometimes I think he creates the symptoms. If it were something bacterial or virual, I'd have caught it by now. But, I haven't. My guess is that he's got allergies with a post-nasal drip. He's an absolute hyponchondriac with OCD. I really don't want to spend my day off being pissed, but here I am. Pissed. Super pissed.

This is the hard part of recovery for me. Maintaining relationships. Any relationships. Friends, lovers, family. It's not easy for me. My self-centeredness comes out often. I've prayed to have it removed and put it in my God box but it keeps popping it's ugly head out. None of these things are about me, but then they all are. We can't even have a nice day because he's constantly obsessing about imaginary symptoms that actually go away when he takes the appropriate allergy medication. Need I say more?

I'm sure more will be revealed.

Time on my hands

It feels like it's been so long since I've had extra time to use as I please. Today, I'm just sitting here browsing and working on my genealogy. I have so much data to verify and keep up to date. Most of the time, when I speak of genealogy, people's eyes begin to glaze over. I can already see it happening to you. Well, if there is a you... Anyway, I hate history, but when it comes to my family research, I can't get enough of it! Since I purchased the new Family Tree Maker software, it's become even easier to keep things organized and updated as well as finding new tid bits of history. I just love it!

The next month is going to drag by, I can just feel it. I've finally finished the application process for nursing school. The deadline is Dec. 3 and the acceptance letters will go out on Dec. 13th. They seemed super hopeful and super impressed with all of my scores as well as my grad in the prerequisite class, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a feeling that all my studying and hard work is going to pay off.

I was required to take Medical Terminology as the prerequisite and received a final grade of 99%. I also had to take two entrance exams. The first one was the TABE test (Test of Adult Basic Education) which basically says that you can read at a specific equivalency to a high school grade. The requirememt was to receive an 11 (11th grade reading equivalency/vocabular/grammar/mathematics) and I got a 12.9 - the highest score you can achieve. The other test was called the HESI Test. It's a nursing entrance exam; I got an 87.62% and the average is 73%. I rocked that one! So, saying that I'm feeling pretty great at this point would be an understatement!

Also required was a criminal background check along with a physical. Holy money!! Since I'm so o.l.d. I never received a vaccination for chicken pox, because I "got" the chicken pox, so I had to get a titer to verify that I have an immunity to the varicella virus- which of course I do because I've had the chicken pox twice... Fortunately, I had copies of my immunizations from the time I was an infant all the way through high school so I didn't have to get titers for everything else as well. Doing all of these things without health insurance can be seriously, brutally, expensive. But, I made it through and it's all done and I can breathe for a few months until the program starts.

Tonight is my home group. It's a closed women's meeting. Lately, because of the former sponsee situation, I've been dreading going. She's still gossiping and hurting people and nothing has changed. There are a few things I need to remember: Q-Tip (Quit taking it personally) and consider the source. Normally, I don't have a problem pointing out to others that "it's not about you" but in this case I can't seem to give myself the same advice. I need to revisit steps 6&7 and get out of this self-centeredness and judgement and just move the hell on. I'm sure another 4th step wouldn't hurt the situation either... My sponsor and I are going to take another approach at the steps in the next few weeks- a perspective from the Fransciscan Sisters.

Here is my prayer for this week:
Gracious God, thank you for the moment of clarity which brought me to my knees, the moment of sanity in which I could finally admit my powerlessness. Give me the courage to look at the unmanageability in my life that I might make an option for life, for the wellness that you wish and desire for me.
Amen.

I'm so glad these last 2 weeks are over with. They were complete hell. I had to take 2 entrance exams in preparation for school. The first test was easy - I was, in fact, over-prepared. But, the second exam was brutal. I left with a terrible headache and a passing score. Those 2 scores along with my grade in medical terminology should put me somewhere near the top of the list. I've heard that there are approximately 100 applicants for the nursing program with only 22 available seats. I can't even think about the "what if I don't get accepted" scenario. I just keep telling myself that I AM going to school in February. I figure that the more positive energy I give it, the closer I am to having it realized. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Tonight is my favorite Big Book meeting... Well, to be honest, I'm lying. I consider it my service work to go there. It's at the treatment facility I attended a few years ago. Not too many people are willing to go to meetings there and I feel like, in order to carry the message I've got to show up and show that the program can work. There are only 2 to 3 people who come to the meeting anymore that aren't actually clients who live there. It truly saddens me. All I can do, at this point is continue to show up and announce it at other meetings.

I think that's it for now. My brain is fried today. I had so much test anxiety yesterday that it carried over into today and I'm just plain exhausted. I could go without seeing another prokaryotic cell until February 22! And, I don't want to hear another word about isotopes, allotropes, or any other diffusion across a membrane!

Happy Veteran's Day to all our veterans out there.