Wake Up Call

So, let's face it, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself lately. Which happens to everyone. I've always felt that it's okay to sit on your pity pot, but to give it a time frame and don't live there. So, I think I'm beginning to come off the pot. A few really great things have happened in the last week:

1. My hearing for permission to apply for my nursing license went fabulously well with a unanimous approval from the board.
2. My authorization to test arrived yesterday!
3. I scheduled my boards for April 25th.
4. Yesterday I spent the entire day with an old friend from highschool - we were inseparable as children.
5. My sister went to jail again over the weekend.

I know, number 5 seems a little bitchy, but look at this picture.

This time, she's in there for domestic battery on her boyfriend, who happens to be our parents age and married with children our age. It's very sad, but it's also what needs to happen. I've recently had to completely step away from her in order to maintain what little serenity I have. She's toxic and began doing things like asking me to come visit but then calling the police on my way there to tell them I'm attempting to tresspass. It's the insanity and sickness of this disease at it's best.

I'm grateful that this isn't me. I'm grateful that other people go out so I don't have to. I'm grateful that the fear is dissipating and being replaced slowly with faith. I'm grateful I get to be a nurse. And, most of all, I'm grateful for my health.

These past few weeks have felt like a slap in the face but it's really been a wake up call on how I need to rely on faith and my higher power. It's so easy to get busy and consumed by the daily ongoings of life and forget something so simple as prayer.

Staying in the moment

I'm really struggling with this right now. I have a tendency to plan and prepare for whatever happens, and I can't do that right now. My mind keeps taking me to the worst case scenario, leaving me with a constant feeling of despair and devastation. I'm trying to remember all of the things I'm grateful for, including the amazing friendship I feel like I'm losing, and I'm praying whenever I can and using a mantra to try to distract my mind... Ugh :(

New Art

About a week ago I had a moment of manic-ness and decided to get a new tattoo. I had been thinking about it for a few weeks and before I knew it I woke up with a fire under my ass about it. So, here it is. I'm in love with it.

Things and Stuff

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread lately. I'm so ready for my life to move forward and I feel so stuck. I've really been trying to live in the solution and keep in mind that everything is temporary and getting involved with newcomers and other people in the program but it doesn't seem to be enough. I fear that I'm going through a growth spurt. Those are always the worst. They seem like they're never going to end.... and then BAM things are awesome. That BAM can't come fast enough.

Back into it

It feels so good to be back into my regular meeting schedule. Comfortable, like I'm home again. Last night I went to the Big Book study at the treatment facility I went to. Something about that place just makes me feel better. It's where I'm most comfortable sharing and opening up and meeting people. It's unusual for me to share at meetings unless that awkward silence hits and I'm the last one left; but when I'm there it's easy for me. My thoughts are gathered and come out in order and I actually make sense!! Anyway, it feels really good to be back into the middle of the herd and to be able to have time to connect with new people. I'm really going through it right now with my personal life and I finally feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My relationship is finally coming to a long overdue end and it's a struggle every day to maintain a cordial relationship with him. Most days I want to slap him and say, wtf are you thinking?? But, that's not going to get me anywhere so I'll continue to pray for him because I know that's what works best.

Finished

I'm done! I've graduated! I'm a nurse! Or, I will be soon. I'm in the process of waiting to be approved to take my boards. It's all very exciting. But, the best part?? Not getting up between 4-5 am daily. Lately, it's been - sleeping until 8, coffee, work a few hours, pool, study a bit, eat, meeting. I feel like I've got so much freedom now, it's amazing. This is the first things I've ever finished in my entire life - so it's a big deal. This is what recovery has given me. The ability to follow through, achieve, help others, and take care of myself. I hope to be around more frequetly now that school is finished and I've got much more time on my hands. But, I've said that before... hopefully I've got a little more follow through now. =)

The end is in sight...

Here I am again, a few more months down the road. I had no idea how long and hard and fast this last year would be. In 4 weeks I graduate from nursing school! Such an amzing accomplishment! And, also the first big thing I've ever finished in my life. The last few months have been tumultuous. School has been extremely hectic with many long clinical days. The entire cohort is tense and we are all just ready to be finished and moving on with life. I'm so excited to finally be released into the wonderful world of nursing and gain a bit of autonomy in my daily practices. At this point, I'm hoping to be hired somewhere as a graduate nurse while I await my date to sit for my state licensure. Keep your fingers crossed! My 5th aniversary came and went without much note. I suppose I expected a big to-do about it because 5 seems like such a milestone, but it wasn't. It's almost like the people who are in my life forgot how bad it was because it's becoming more and more distant with each passing year. Not to mention, that for the last few years right around my aniversary, my wretched sister comes back in the picture and steals all of my thunder. Although, I shouldn't expect anything less. She always knows that if she even hints at getting sober out family will come to her rescue. Ugh. A few short months and I'll be able to end this relationship I'm in. It's progressed beyond the point of being repairable and it's sucking the life out of me. I have so much to look forward to and I need to keep my eye on the prize!