Thursday, May 10, 2012

It shows in your face

A few weeks ago I purchased a new daily meditation book - in dire need of change - called "The 12 Step Prayer Book". I'm absolutely in love with it.

Today's reading:

It Shows in Your Face

You don't have to tell how you live each day,
You don't have to say if you work or play,
A tired, true barometer serves in the place.
However you live, it shows in your face.

The falseness, the deceit that you wear in your heart
Will not stay inside where it got its start,
For sinew and blood is a thin veil of lace.
However you live, it shows in your face.

If you have battled and won in the game of life,
If you feel you've conquered the sorrow and strife,
If you've played the game square and you stand on first base,
You don't have to tell, it shows in your face.

If your life's been unselfish, for others you live,
And not what you get, but what you can give,
And you live close to God, in His infinite Grace,
You don't have to tell it, it shows in your face.

I can only hope that I live this sort of life, that it shows in my face. That even though some ridiculous things come out of my mouth, almost everything I do is done with compassion, care, and mindfulness. That I'm able to give away what I've so freely received in recovery and to be of help to others. That I truly love all of my friends and would do anything for them at any time.

I tend to downplay nearly everything I do these days. A majority of the people in my life think I'm living the ultimate Florida lifestyle laying by the pool basking in the sun each day and enjoying sunsets on the gulf in the evening. I do those things and I enjoy them, but there are more than two hours in a day, AND, as I repeatedly tell my mother - facebook is not real life.

Before I got sober, everything I did was to seek attention and approval from everyone in my life. I went for the wow, the risk, the shock, the ooh ahhh, the OMG, and the TMI. I went for it all so I could be the center of the universe, the one everyone remembered and talked about. And I got tired and stretched thin and worn out. Thank God.

That's when my life began. I can't say everything I do is service work or that I do everything right or treat everyone how I want to be treated... But, I try. And, when I'm not able to do that, I can fix it. I can make amends and do things differently next time.

I'm still working on getting past the 'not good enough' feeling that sometimes comes flooding back to me at night as I'm falling asleep. I'm scared to start a job as a nurse, thinking that they'll find out I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I should just pick another career path. The reality that I know, as I'm crying myself to sleep at night, is that I am good enough and I do know what the hell I'm doing - and - damn it, I'm pretty good at it. The only way to walk through fear is to have faith. And I have that.

And, I'm pretty sure it shows in my face. =)

1 comment:

  1. "thinking that they'll find out I don't know what the hell I'm doing..."

    I picked this out because this is exactly how I felt most of my life. Especially at your age. By growing up with that feeling that we're never good enough, we end up thinking that when we are...there must be some mistake.

    But the reality is that because we've grown up without nurturing and care we are BETTER than most and more capable than even we realize. We're strong, we're resilient and we bounce when we fall.

    So when those doubts invade at the end of a long day...tell them to get the hell out of your head.

    You're going to make a great nurse.