Better than I used to be

"... we need challenges in order to grow; without growth we wither. Happiness is the bounty for facing the momentarily unhappy conditions." - Each Day a New Beginning

Growth doesn't come easy for me.I'm one of those people who needs to do things the hard way, learn my own lesson, and get on with things. Fortunately, as time goes on it takes me less time to learn the lessons and allows more time to appreciate the new view.
Lately the lesson has been on friendships. I've been learning about having friends and what that means. The last year or so has been very hard for many different reasons, and each time I've felt lost God has put someone in my life to help me over the hump - but those people didn't appear until I was willing to ask God for help. Funny how that works...

One important person who has recently come back into my life is my former roommate E, whom I used to constantly complain about. The final straw to our friendship ending was me doing the ultimate wrong - deleting her from fb. Yes, from fb (I know you just heard the ominous DUM DUM DUM of the drums). She was posting hurtful things about me and I'd had enough and clicked the button that officially ended our friendship. I'd like to blame her, but it was really my inability to communicate that my feelings had been hurt and I didn't know how to attempt to repair what had been broken.That was 2 years ago. A few weeks ago we began talking again and essentially were able trek through the amends process. E and I being close again is something I never saw happening, but letting go of that resentment has lifted a huge weight off of my heart. For the first 3 1/2 years of my sobriety we were inseparable and I didnt' realize how much I'd missed that until I had it back. It's like when you lose something and you don't realize it's missing until you find it again and you realized how much you loved and needed it. That is exactly my relationship with her.

I heard early on in recovery that through our greatest pain comes our greatest growth and I've really hung onto that. This last year has been the most painful since I've gotten sober, and I'm not always able to see the growth. I need other people to help me see it.

Which brings me to my new anthem. The previous two were Fucking Perfect by Pink and Born This Way by Lady Gaga. I used to listen to them on my way to clinicals, filled with fear about what the day would bring and whether or not I'd make through another day of nursing school. They were my power songs that got me through. There were mornings I wanted to turn around, go home, and crawl back into bed with the covers over my head... My new song is Better Than I Used To Be by Tim McGraw - I ain't as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be - says it all for me. 

I'm going to keep on growing, and as a friend recently told me - thriving (thank you B). Happiness is my bounty and I'm gonna start collecting!