Oopsie!

Wow, it's been a bit since my last post and boy has life been hectic for the last week and a half. Last week turned into a whirlwind and flew by.

Last Sunday, my sister was out of her gord crazy, drunk, high, and we had to Baker Act her (involuntary commitment here in Florida). I talked to the nurse a few times when she was in the ER and she was screaming and combative. They ended up having to restrain her and give her two shots of halidol. When she woke up in the ER in the morning, she didn't remember anything or know how she ended up with a cast on her arm. Scary times. They transported her to the psych hospital for a 3 day say and adjusted her medications; things seem to be improving. Only time will tell and she's got to be willing to do the work. I've got to have faith in her though.

Four years ago, she did the same thing for me. I was overdosing and she called 911 and they took me away. I stayed in the hospital for 30 days before getting released to do 2 months in a residential treatment center. The craziness of what she's put herself through these last few weeks really brought the memories back for me. When you're in that crazy place you really don't think what kind of an impact it has on anyone else. You don't realize how stressful it is for anyone but yourself. Well, now I know. It's damn stressful. I'm grateful for the experience though. I got to see what the craziness is like from the other side of the double locked doors. And, I've got to say, I prefer the look from this side. =)

So, last week when she was in the hospital I went down to feed her cats (she lives about 40 minutes south of me) and I went through her house. Got rid of the drugs, dumped out the alcohol, packed her a bag of clothes, and fed her cats. It was an absolute disaster in that house. So, last Wednseday when she was released I picked her up and took her home, made her dinner, and helped her clean her house. I know, for me, that when things get that bad they seem so overwhelming and I end up just leave them instead of jumping in and taking care of it. We also went to a women's meeting about a mile from where she lives. It's so nice to get out to other meetings and hear other people share. I feel like I'm sort of in a rut with aftercare on Wednesday's, so, as long as she's willing to let me come down there I'll continue to go. Which is what I did again this week. I made dinner again and we went to the women's meeting and hung out a bit and watched a little bit of American Idol before I headed back home. It's been so long since she's really let anyone come over and spend time with her that I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.

As for me, I've had a busy time in my own life on top of all of this. I've been working during the day and at night, which doesn't always leave me in the greatest of moods. But, it's for a limited time - one more month. Then I start nursing school. I went in yesterday and paid my tuition and purchased all of my books. It's so exciting to be able to move forward with my life. I've done so much work in the last year and it felt like none of it was leading anywhere when I got denied for financial aid because I made too much money. And, I made too much money because I worked my butt off to pull my student loans out of default. But, in the end, it has all worked out. My parents helped with the money to pay for the class and I'll be put on an extended payment plan. LOL. It always cracks me up with I think of my Mom's payment plans. In the past, I never paid a bill on time. But, now, I pay it back in full! Amazing. But to be more serious, it's amazing that my parents have enough faith in me to pay that much money in anticipation that I'll finish and do well. I've never finished a thing in my life, but they have faith in me and that's an amazing feeling.

So, I'm taking that faith and putting it somewhere else as well. In my sister. Someday, perhaps she'll be able to put that faith into herself. =)

Near Beer

Every Wednesday afternoon I go to this thing called Aftercare. It's more of a group therapy-ish session than anything. But people refer to it as lots of different things including a free, extended outpatient program. There are a few of us who have been coming back for multiple years and then there are the new people just graduating and there are the people who come intermittently.

One of the 'intermittent' people came this past Wednesday, which is what usually happens after the big holidays. We all reported in about our holiday and if we had any particular struggles as did this woman. She shared that she went to many Christmas parties where alcohol was served and that she had a hard time not drinking at them. She has about 9 months of sobriety. She went on to share that her friends were extremely kind and understanding and even went so far as to have non-alcoholic wines and beers available for her to drink, so she could 'fit in'. Ugh. She also went on to say that even though she was never a beer drinker and didn't like the taste, she drank the non-alcoholic beer.

So many red flags come up in my head when I hear people share things like this. The first one is, to each their own. Some people can drink those things and be okay. But, the other things that come to my head are the plain fact that non-alcoholic beer, however minimal, has alcohol in it. It's evident in the fact that minors under 21 can't purchase it. And, is that the only way you can fit in? With a drink in your hand? Is going through that 'old' ritual leading you closer to a drink? Isn't that sort of romancing the kind of life that got you to this point in the first place? And, if you never drank beer in the first place and didn't like it, why drink the non-alcoholic version?

It was a good group, lots of great discussions and opinions on the topic. For me, I don't engage in those sorts of things. Sure, I am occasionally places where a majority of the people are drinking, but it doesn't happen too often. And, the "near beer" is a little too close to home for me. Primarily, because it has alcohol in it but also because it's not safe for me. One day I might feel like it's okay to drink regular beer and whatever I can do each day to keep me as far from that thought as possible is what I'll do.

As for her, she actually had no idea that there was alcohol in the non-alcoholic beer and has no intention of drinking it again. Scary thought!

F**kin' Perfect

I've completed my 9th step. I've made my amends and I'm moving on. The things I've done have defined the person I've become but they don't have to continue to hang over my head and leave that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. One of the amends I made was to my older sister. We aren't on good terms at all and I'm okay if it continues to stay that way or if it doesn't. I don't have control of the situation and I've forgiven myself for my part in the entire fiasco. What it comes down to is that she's intimidated by my sobriety, or something like that. Last year she actually refused to come spend the Christmas holiday with us because she didn't want to have an "AA Holiday". That was like a stab to the heart for me and I reacted without thinking and blew it out of the water. In reality, I know she was just using me as an excuse, but it still hurt. Like, gut-wrenching hurt.

It's all out of my control and it's not really all about me. But, what I have to remember is that I do have control of my behavior. That was not my finest moment. Thank God I can learn from these things and, through working the steps, I can see where I was wrong and attempt not to repeat the same behaviors over and over and over.

The other day my boyfriend came home with P!nk's new CD - a greatest hits edition with two new tracks. The final track on the album is titled "F**kin' Perfect" and it has just hit home for me. Each time I hear it I feel super emotional and empowered. She is such an amazing, strong woman and I love her music. So, I'm going to post the chorus to the song and encourage everyone to listen it. Here's the song if you wanna listen. There is no video yet, but it's a decent version of the song. It helps me remember that I'm always enough and perfect the way I'm am. On those days when I'm not feeling like I'm enough, I'm still perfect to someone, even if it's not myself. I AM ENOUGH.

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
F**king perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're f**king perfect to me