Tiredness

I'm exhausted. Completely. Totally. Exhausted. 80 hours is just too much to work in one week. Not to mention that they're all overnight shifts. Thank God it's only for one week and it's a means to an end. It's going to pay for 2 entrance exams, a physical, and a background check so that I may go back to school again.

My last sponsee moved away on Thursday. I miss her dearly; it's been a long few months but we've spent so much time together and I feel a bit of a void now that she's gone. She has turned into a great friend. Apparently, where she moved to, the meetings are quite different. They're all an hour and a half long instead of an hour and they do things quite differently. She has found a new sponsor, taking the suggestion of raising her hand and announcing that it was her first meeting out of treatment; but already she feels it's not the right person. The amazing thing is that she is really putting herself out there during a very vulnerable time in an entirely new existence. I'm so pround of her.

And, onto me. Overall, things are good. Cats are good;boyfriend is good. But, I'm so tired. I feel burried in chores and goals and errands and just things to do. I work 12-14 hour overnight shifts and try to sleep at least 6 hours a day at home (which doesn't always happen). So, I spend most nights going over my test prep books, studying the night away. I've done what I always do and I need to find a way to not put everything off until the last minute. I have until December 3rd to take 2 exams, get a physical, and a background check. The idea of school is getting scarier as the deadline nears. The good thing is that I haven't become paralyzed by this fear yet.

So, for now, I've lost my spunk. My wit. My general-funness. I've got 2 more nights of work and then 2 days off.

Affirmation

Today I can become more positive by regularly putting myself into the company of friends who have hope.

Just another Thursday

It's been so long since I've had this many days off in a row that I almost forgot what doing something for myself felt like. I slept in until almost noon, lounged around with my blueberry coffee, got my haircut, did a bit of shopping and went out for a nice dinner with my boyfriend. The grand-finale of the evening was the Big Book study I attend each Thursday. It happens to be at the treatment facility I attended a few years ago. Tonight the meeting was particularily rowdy... I continually try to encourage people to go to the meeting but no one ever shows up. Their reputation has apparently preceeded them. Not the facility, but the bad behavior of the clients there. It's no wonder that people refuse to support this meeting after all this time, it seems to only get worse.

Don't get me wrong, there is something in every meeting that I can take away, but tonight was especially disruptive. No, that's not enough, it was a 3 ring cirucs. I like to think that everyone in rehab has their asshole moment. Like, when I lived there and insisted on wearing pig-tail buns in my hair and my pink fuzzy slippers to every meeting, or when the girl busted ass on the hard plastic chair (come on we all know it sounds like a trumpet in this circumstance), or when someone coined the new phrase, "pick up a chipper and put down the liquor". I just have to keep thinking to myself that they'll grow out of it... I did, doesn't that mean everyone has the potential?

I know there is some humor in all of this but they really do need support. Not only to enrich the overall quality of the meeting, but also to encourage the new comer that the miracle happens. They need people who are willing to share, visit, and sponsor. Right now, it's just stale. I guess every group has it's up and down cycle - I just pray that this one doesn't last much longer!

Affirmation

Here's my positive affirmation for today:

I will give my worries to God today. I want my mind free so I can be creative and joyful. I want to laugh and feel grateful.

Let's get this party started!

I really need to get back to blogging. For years I did it every single day, multiple times. But, I've disabled those blogs because they were during my drinking days and mostly, they're a hot mess. Sometimes, I go back to read the posts as a reminder of what life was like. It seems I have a "built-in-forgetter" and at times when I remember what happened, things don't seem that bad. The reality is that they were. Those were some of the darkest days of my life and the easier it is for me to remember that, the easier it is for me to appreciate the greatness in each day of my life.

Recently, I've been going through some great discomfort. I had to let a sponsee go about two weeks ago due to the simple fact that she was verbally abusive. There was much more than that to it, but what pushed me over the line was how she spoke to me. The simple fact is that I'm not willing to put up with disrespectful behavior, I'm no ones doormat. Through this, I feel like I've been turned into a villian. I know that I'm not. But right now, she sits in MY homegroup each week and widens her innocent victim lies and reels the women into her nest of lies. (No judgement here...) It's really frustrating to continue trying to be the bigger person. Smile, say hello, tell her I'm glad she's there. Gr. Those things suck. They really suck. But, as a woman told me last week, "consider the source". And that's what I need to do. Eventually, her true colors are going to come out to everyone else and they're going to see what I've been dealing with for the last few months. Right now, I'm bitter, hurt, angry. I never want to have to look at her again. But the good part in me knows that things will turn out for the best. She has just as much right to be in that meeting as I do, and whether I like it or not, I'm going to fake it until I believe what I'm saying when I greet her. Hopefully, it's sooner than later.

Right now, I'm in extreme emotional discomfort. But, I'm doing what I need to in order to move on. I'm sharing, I talk to my sponsor, and I go to meetings. I've even gone as far as doing the symbolic motion of writing it on a piece of paper and putting it in my God box so that I can give it over to God and just let it go. But, right now it seems that I'm leaving claw marks all over it. One lesson I've learned over the past few years is that anything that leaves this much of an impact on me is the thing that is going to produce a great ammount of growth inside me and my program of recovery.