It shows in your face

A few weeks ago I purchased a new daily meditation book - in dire need of change - called "The 12 Step Prayer Book". I'm absolutely in love with it.

Today's reading:

It Shows in Your Face

You don't have to tell how you live each day,
You don't have to say if you work or play,
A tired, true barometer serves in the place.
However you live, it shows in your face.

The falseness, the deceit that you wear in your heart
Will not stay inside where it got its start,
For sinew and blood is a thin veil of lace.
However you live, it shows in your face.

If you have battled and won in the game of life,
If you feel you've conquered the sorrow and strife,
If you've played the game square and you stand on first base,
You don't have to tell, it shows in your face.

If your life's been unselfish, for others you live,
And not what you get, but what you can give,
And you live close to God, in His infinite Grace,
You don't have to tell it, it shows in your face.


I can only hope that I live this sort of life, that it shows in my face. That even though some ridiculous things come out of my mouth, almost everything I do is done with compassion, care, and mindfulness. That I'm able to give away what I've so freely received in recovery and to be of help to others. That I truly love all of my friends and would do anything for them at any time.

I tend to downplay nearly everything I do these days. A majority of the people in my life think I'm living the ultimate Florida lifestyle laying by the pool basking in the sun each day and enjoying sunsets on the gulf in the evening. I do those things and I enjoy them, but there are more than two hours in a day, AND, as I repeatedly tell my mother - facebook is not real life.

Before I got sober, everything I did was to seek attention and approval from everyone in my life. I went for the wow, the risk, the shock, the ooh ahhh, the OMG, and the TMI. I went for it all so I could be the center of the universe, the one everyone remembered and talked about. And I got tired and stretched thin and worn out. Thank God.

That's when my life began. I can't say everything I do is service work or that I do everything right or treat everyone how I want to be treated... But, I try. And, when I'm not able to do that, I can fix it. I can make amends and do things differently next time.

I'm still working on getting past the 'not good enough' feeling that sometimes comes flooding back to me at night as I'm falling asleep. I'm scared to start a job as a nurse, thinking that they'll find out I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I should just pick another career path. The reality that I know, as I'm crying myself to sleep at night, is that I am good enough and I do know what the hell I'm doing - and - damn it, I'm pretty good at it. The only way to walk through fear is to have faith. And I have that.

And, I'm pretty sure it shows in my face. =)

You never know what's next, appreciate the moment.

My older sister's boyfriend passed away over the weekend in a horrible motorcycle accident.
I've just received the news this morning.

You'll never know what the next moment will bring.

Love with your whole heart.
Love with blind faith.
Love with all you are.
Love with the hope of forever.
Love without losing yourself.
And know that love is a blessing.

Gratitude, yo!

I woke up feeling genuinely grateful this morning. Typically, when I'm at a meeting and the topic of "gratitude" comes up, I cringe. I think to myself - it's not even November why are we doing this? And then the month of November comes again and I think to myself - wtf November, you're back already??

For anyone not in AA, reading this, November generally ends up as the month to talk about gratitude because of Thanksgiving. In November we have a Gratitude Dinner and we all get together to celebrate, fellowship, give thanks, hear an amazing speaker, and my favorite - the sobriety countdown. This past year was the first dinner I was able to attend. I've never seen so many AA's together in one place. The attendance was somewhere around 600 for the spaghetti dinner and, for me, it was -without a doubt- a spiritual experience. At the end of the sobriety countdown we were left with two people who were in their 55th year of recovery!

At the end of the dinner when everyone gathered in the traditional circle to hold hands and say the Lord's Prayer, I looked around the room and felt nothing but love. It was that surreal moment when you feel like you're watching a movie and wondering if this is really what people do in an AA meeting, except that you're really there and you know the answer. I felt like Meg Ryan at the end of When a Man Loves a Woman. I felt safe and at home and it was one of the first times in AA that I felt the power of prayer and that everything in life was going to be okay. And it made me wonder... how had I not noticed this before?

Since then, at the end of every AA meeting when we get together, hold hands, and say the Lord's Prayer I look around the room and have a feeling of comfort and love and safety because I finally realize that I'm surrounded by people who know what I feel like and I know that I'm not alone - no matter what.

So I'll keep coming back, no matter what.

Let's Celebrate!

Life Is A Celebration

Lord, help me today to:
Mend a quarrel.
Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.
Write a friendly letter.
Share a treasure.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage another.
Manifest my loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise.
Find the time.
Forego a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Listen.
Acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Try to understand.
Examine my demands on others.
Think of someone else first.
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Laugh a little.
Smile more.
Be happy.
Show my gratitude.
Welcome a stranger.
Speak your love.
Speak it again.
Live it again.

Life is a celebration!

Limbo

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Not something I'm good at. I'm waiting for a contract to be accepted so I can have my new job. I'm at that point where I'm 100% ready to move forward with my life but a few things have to happen first. I need to have a decent job, buy a car, and get rid of my roommate. It's good to have goals, right?

My nursing license came in the mail today, so everything is finally official!

I sat down to write this post with so many things in my head and it seems they've all either left me or aren't presenting themselves in a manner for me to share. Off to bed.

It's official!

I took my NCLEX-PN yesterday morning and as of today, I'm officially an LPN!

w00t w00t!!!

All smiles today! Nothing is going to ruin this for me!

Blah and Moans

I'm having a case of the blah's today. Not sure where it came from.

Monday was my 34th birthday and I had a fantastic day! I worked, babysat, and had dinner with my sponsor, grandsponsor, and another woman that my sponsor sponsor's. (that's a lot of sponsor in one sentence!)

Last night was my homegroup, and something interesting always happens. Lately, there has been a woman who brings a meal to eat during the meeting each week. It varies from Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendy's, or various items from the grocery store. Last week she brought shrimp and a salad - which she had a hell of a time opening. As she began eating, she began moaning over how delicious it was and then she moved onto the burping and slupring her drink to wash it down. Which is where the problem comes in, she always sits next to me and because I'm so immature, I get the giggles. Non-stop. I just can't help myself. And then people watch me giggle and try to hold it in and get the giggles as well and it ripples through the meeting.

So, I've found a solution! I'm not selecting my seat until she's comfortable settled in. Unfortunately, that was right across from me last night and her shorts were WAY too short and you could see everything. I'm convinced God knows I need some humor in my life right now and that these circumstances are going to continue. So, I'll continue to appreciate it when these little things happen and keep on gigglin'.