Growing up, or something like that.

I had no idea that I'd be this busy with nursing school or that my life would change so much. I think I'm having a growth spurt of some sort. When we started school they told us that we would not be the same person at the end of the year, maybe I didn't believe them; but I do now. We're almost done with the first half of the program and I feel so changed. Like I have a new direction for my life. Which brings me to the problem at hand... I'm outgrowing my boyfriend. One day I just started feeling different. I'm growing up and he's not. I want a family, career, home, friends, hobbies, a retirement fund, and a retirement. Those are goals to me and to him they're just ideas that can perhaps be looked at when the time comes. We've been together for 3 years and haven't been intimate whatsoever for the last year. I look at him and I'm angry. I try to communicate and I'm met with silence, which seems to be an answer of sorts. I've tried every way to approach the situation, there are none left. I look around at our home and we have nothing in common. He's a sports and movie nut and I'm content to curl up with a book. He has no ambitions for education and I can't imagine going a day without learning something new. What I do know for sure is that this relationship is over.

I'm sort of stuck in this current relationship for the next year. Before I started school we made a deal that I'd work and pay for everything the year before school and while I was in school he'd take care of everything so that I'd have time to study and do what I needed to do. My car died and I had to junk it and now I drive his extra vehicle. Can I make it 9 more months in this situation? Days like the last few make me doubt it, but I have to give it some serious thought. Everything is a chore to him, which leaves me to do everything or it just doesn't get done. He thinks that laying in bed watching tv for 13 hours on his day off is what he's supposed to do... I feel like he needs to take care of a few things, at the very least, and get his ass out of bed. I'm frustrated, overtired, and fed up with this lazy man who is incapable of approaching any situation with an open mind or some sort of rational thought process. The latest situation to arise is our difference of opinion. Apparently, anytime I disagree with him I'm doing it for spite - just to be able to disagree. He's forgotten that I'm an independent human being with a mind of my own and that I'm capable of forming educated opinions based on facts...

Thank God I have a program of recovery and I know when to attempt to let go and let God. Obviously, it doesn't happen every time but it does happen more than it used to. My sponsor says I need to look at him like he's a sick person and treat him with compassion. Much easier said than done. She also says to approach the entire situation with integrity and essentially keep my side of the street clean. So, please, if someone could pray for me, I'm going through it right now.

Still here!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted! The days have just been flying by and before I know it another week has gone by. School is keeping me so busy, which is a good thing. We've just finished an Anatomy & Physiology course in 4 weeks and I've managed, through tons of hard work, to end up with a 97% final grade. Yay! There aren't actual words for how ecstatic I am to be finished with it. This is going to be one long year. Only 9 1/2 months left to go.

I've still been going to meetings and trying to keep up on that as much as I possibly can. This is one of those times that I can actually see that being in recovery is truly a blessing for me. I actually have time to get work done as well as time to go to meetings and keep my life together. Some of the students at school are having a hard time keeping up and every thursday when the day is done, they go out drinking. The first time I went with them, I had no idea what I was getting into, than God I had dinner scheduled with my sponsor and a few women from my homegroup. It's not that I wanted to drink, but I can see how quickly people change from one setting to the next and I don't think I'll ever feel a need to be a part of that again. The second time I went, we actually just went to eat and I bailed as soon as we were done with dinner. I'm grateful to have a few friends at school but I can tell that that's as far as those friendships are going to go for the majority of them.

So, courtesy of a cool lady at school I was encouraged to take the Myers-Briggs personality test. And, I was told to be super proud of my personality type, INFJ. Apparently it's the rarest one and only 1-3% of the population is categorized as an INFJ. Has anyone else taken this test? What does it actually mean?

Day 1, done

Today was our first day of clinicals for the nursing program. We had to be there by 6:15am and we finished just after 12:30pm. Most of it was orientation to the facility and getting to know our residents. Holy hectic chaos! I've been doing this kind of work for 3 years now, but I do private care for 1 person at a time. For the next week we're going to have 6 patients each. It makes the time go by so quickly! I love it! I'm exhausted, but it's a good exhausted and it's so nice to actually work with other people instead of being stuck in a room alone with someone for 12 hours or more.

Last night was my homegroup meeting and it was a good one. The last Tuesday of each month is an aniversary meeting and the celbrants each get to speak for a bit. This month we had 3, including my sponsor. It seems like each year that passes we learn something new about someone. To me, this is such a gift. Going back to those first few days and on through to what the last year has been like always brings something new. Thank God for this ever changing process in recovery and our ability to continue to grow and learn. I hope I never stop being able to grow inside as well as with the people around me.

Going Clinical!

Time sure can pass quickly. I've been so busy with school lately that I haven't had time for much else. We've already had 3 quizes and our final exam for the first level of the course is on Monday. I'm doing pretty well so far with a 96%, 100%, and 100% which really reinforces my decision to only work on the weekends. Although, I don't always end up with shifts. The patient I've been with for the last 2 years passed away a few weeks ago in surgery. And the other patient I was taking care of passed away just a few days ago. Sad stuff, this work I do. They say, in my work, to not get personal with the patients... but how is that possible when you sit for 12 hours shifts with them and there is no one else to talk to? It's virtually impossible. So, with that said, I have no shifts! It's good and it's bad. The good part is that I get to rest here and there and get paid for being on call and the bad part is that I really need the money to pay bills with. Such a catch-22.

I've still been making it to most of my meetings but I do recognize the times when I just need to rest and go to sleep early. Things seem to be taking a better turn in my homegroup, which is a good thing. There is a lot less conflict lately and the women who wait until the end to share to top everyone else and let us all know how it's "supposed" to be done, haven't been there. I'm sure it's a God thing.

So, next week in school we are going to do all of our clinical check-off's and then we will go clinical. It's super exciting! Right now, we're just doing the CNA portion of the course and that's what I do for work already which makes it all a breeze. It's going to be nice to get a different perspective being able to work with other people, have equipment and supplies that I need, and have a variety of things to get done. When I'm at work, it's usually a bore. I get a lot of reading done, but I sure do spend a lot of time sitting on my ass in a chair. I can't wait to be busy the whole time and really feel like I've gotten something done. =)

Spring Break, Baby!

Today is the first day of spring break for me. And, I've already mady two typos calling it "sprint" break. Hmmm. Let's hope it doesn't sprint by me. My plans for next week are to get one group of assignments ahead and relax by the pool catching some rays. I've only picked up one extra shift for work and I don't forsee too many others; already making it clear to my agency that I need a break, I'm hoping that they don't call too many times.

Even if I don't get anything productive done this coming week, things will be okay. Right now I feel fried and sore. Something is wrong with my knee, so I'm wearing a brace on it and icing it, and my back got a slight strain the other day when my instructor gave me the biggest guy in the class to do position changes on... There's a reason there should be two people when someone is fully incapicitated.

And, for next week, incorporating a few more meetings into my schedule. I'm not always going to be able to go whenever it's convienent because this nursing course is condensed and very intense. Although, I never miss my home group, I sure could use a big piece of AA pie.

My dreams lately have been all about drinking and school. I don't want to drink, but I think because I'm so overtired it's what my alcoholic brain automatically defaults to. In some of the dreams I'm sneaking drinks and in others I'm just flat out drinking and have never been in recovery. Things like this truly help me along my road. I never feel good in the dream and when I wake up, it's refreshing to know I don't have to live like that anymore. But, I must say, in all of these dreams... I'm wearing latex gloves and other protective equipment. It's all very strange! But, it's things like this that make me laugh.

Changes

Oops, I did it again! I've just finished the second week of nursing school and I'm pooped. Extremely exhausted. But, in the long run, it's going to be so worth it. I'm learning so much every day and I'm making new friends and branching out.

Today, we did our CPR training through the American Heart Association. Can you believe I was injured?? Well, maybe it was just a minor injury... Ok, it's a blister; a little, painful blister on the heel of my palm. I guess I was really getting into the chest compressions! Because of the CPR training, we finished a few hours earlier than normal so a few of us went out to lunch. It feels nice to be making new friends that I have something other than recovery in common with. We sat at Chic-fil-a and talked about bloody accidents over our “chikin”. Really starting to feel like I’m on a career path is an amazing feeling.

Homework is consuming most of my time these days. I get up at 5:30a and I’m in school from 7:30a to 3:30p. Then, I come home, watch an episode of something on ABC Family and have a snack, then do homework and reading until 9:30 and usually to bed by 10. Saying that my brain is fried right now would be an understatement! I really need to work on my time management skills and fit a few more meetings in. This week, I’ve only been to my home group. It’s all a learning process and I’m really working to see what I can improve on and change to make things a little more efficient.

Gratitude has been high on my list lately. Although I hate getting up at the butt-crack of dawn, I love learning. Without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’ve been reflecting on how much AA has given me in just the past few years and I can’t help but smile. Thank you, God, for keeping me away from a drink and a drug for another day. =)

Going through something

I am definitely going through something. I'm so frustrated all the time. Easily angered. Always upset. It's been like this since Friday and the boyfriend is seriously adding to my mood.

School starts in two weeks and it's almost "that time" of the month. I'm sure those two things have a lot more to do with this perpetual state I'm experiencing. I know I'm stressed and I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. This is one of those times when I wish my boyfriend could actually read my mind. (I would try really hard not to tell him to fuck of with my eyes if he could) But, he can't. He just keeps saying things like, "What's wrong with you?" And every time he asks it it sounds more like an accusation than an actual concern. He doesn't get it. He goes through every single day the same way. Get up, buy breakfast (even though we have tons of food at home) go to work, (buy lunch even though we have tons of food at home) come home from work (to a cooked dinner) shower, and then lay in bed for several hours watching tv until it's time to go to sleep. He just avoids the world altogether. Then there's me. Taking everything head on when it comes at me. Things get dealt with, filed, paid, and onto the next task. The house gets cleaned, groceries get bought, meals get made, laundry gets done, the litter gets scooped.

I sure could use some help around here... I've even asked for it. It either gets done half-assed because he's so concerned about laying in bed watching tv, or it just doesn't get done at all. I'm really frustrated. I'm sick of my things being moved and never found again. Bills being tossed that were important. Tax return documents that "never came in the mail". I'm frustrated. And, individually, these things are small. But, collectively, I'm getting pushed over the edge. I've tried to explain that I'm stressed. That my last day off was Jan 20 and then next is going to be Feb 22, but that's the day I start school... So, really, I"m not going to have a day off for months. I'm tired. My job is watching people die. Keeping them comfortable and making sure they have what they need when they need it. It's stressful. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that I'm tired and stressed??

Anyway, I think that's all of my rant for now. I'm on the verge of tears and I've got to get ready for work. Good day to all.