Time to say Woo Hoo!

I am exhausted. I slept 10 hours last night and I feel like I could sleep for 10 more. I absolutely love my new job and it's so rewarding. I'm working at an ALF with approximately 75 residents, 50 of which I pass medications to twice during my 8 hour shift. Needless to say, I run my ass off. There are some moments where I feel it's impossible, but it gets done.

The management is in shambles at best and the turnover of the nurses is high. The woman who has senority in our position graduated 6 months before me from the same program and shes been at this place for 2 months, also her first nursing job. I've made a personal commitment to stay there for a minimum of a year, I've got nothing but time right now and could really use the distraction.

So far, it's looking like I'm going to have every other weekend off but that can change at any time. I'm almost finished "training" if you could call it that, she leaves early most nights and I'm left to finish up everything on my own. I love most of the staff there, but like always - there is one pain in the ass who you just have to put up with. The residents are fantastic and are already getting used to seeing me. Geriatrics is exactly where I belong right now.

I went to my first weekend meeting last night in almost 4 years and met a few new people, saw some people I already knew, and got to hear a fantastic speaker share a great message of recovery. One thing she said that really resonated with me was how she described God's answers. Usually, it's yes, no, or not right now. But she phrased it as, yes, not right now, and I have something better planned for you. She was amazing to listen to and spoke with such eloquence that I wasn't ready for her to be finished when the hour was up.

I can't wait to get settled into my new routine and get everything in order. I don't expect it to happen over night, but I'm so ready to just move on with my life. I'm excited about everything around me these days and it feels so good to have such a positive attitude!

Going through something

I am definitely going through something. I'm so frustrated all the time. Easily angered. Always upset. It's been like this since Friday and the boyfriend is seriously adding to my mood.

School starts in two weeks and it's almost "that time" of the month. I'm sure those two things have a lot more to do with this perpetual state I'm experiencing. I know I'm stressed and I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. This is one of those times when I wish my boyfriend could actually read my mind. (I would try really hard not to tell him to fuck of with my eyes if he could) But, he can't. He just keeps saying things like, "What's wrong with you?" And every time he asks it it sounds more like an accusation than an actual concern. He doesn't get it. He goes through every single day the same way. Get up, buy breakfast (even though we have tons of food at home) go to work, (buy lunch even though we have tons of food at home) come home from work (to a cooked dinner) shower, and then lay in bed for several hours watching tv until it's time to go to sleep. He just avoids the world altogether. Then there's me. Taking everything head on when it comes at me. Things get dealt with, filed, paid, and onto the next task. The house gets cleaned, groceries get bought, meals get made, laundry gets done, the litter gets scooped.

I sure could use some help around here... I've even asked for it. It either gets done half-assed because he's so concerned about laying in bed watching tv, or it just doesn't get done at all. I'm really frustrated. I'm sick of my things being moved and never found again. Bills being tossed that were important. Tax return documents that "never came in the mail". I'm frustrated. And, individually, these things are small. But, collectively, I'm getting pushed over the edge. I've tried to explain that I'm stressed. That my last day off was Jan 20 and then next is going to be Feb 22, but that's the day I start school... So, really, I"m not going to have a day off for months. I'm tired. My job is watching people die. Keeping them comfortable and making sure they have what they need when they need it. It's stressful. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that I'm tired and stressed??

Anyway, I think that's all of my rant for now. I'm on the verge of tears and I've got to get ready for work. Good day to all.

Minor Meltdown

I'm having a minor meltdown today. My hours at work, which are never consistent because I do private home healthcare, have been cut from 67 hours at the beginning of this week to a mere 18 hours. Right before Christmas. To say the least, I'm stressed out. However, I do have faith that everything will work out, as it always does. My agency respects me and generally overloads me with hours for shifts. This one is out of their hands as it is a case where the other caregivers are self-employeed and don't work through an agency. A few weeks ago I had a boat load of hours, then no hours, then a boat load of hours. That darn family needs to make up their minds and figure things out. My bank account can't handle the big fat middle finger I've just been given.

So, I'm over my panic moment and back to where I need to be. I've been in these situations before and it always works out. I've been with my agency for 3 years now and they always come through even when it's at the very last minute. I'm reliable, I go in at the last minute, and I never call off. Now that I've had my few breaths, I'm okay. I had a 30 minute cry over it all and I'm back to having faith, like usual. Things work out the way they're supposed to work out and I know that.

I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO NURSING SCHOOL!!!! I called yesterday and they confirmed! The last time I was in the office the secretary said I could call on the 13th (the day they mail out the letters) and ask because once they mail out the letters it becomes putlic knowledge and they can officially confirm. So I did! I was shaking and so nervous and was going to just wait until the letter came in the mail, but, I couldn't so I called. I'm really excited and feel like my life finally has some definite direction. And, when you put in the hard work you tend to get positive results.

I remember what life before I got sober and I could have never jumped through these hoops. Two entrance exams, blood work, transcripts, immunizations, photos, background checks. It would have been half-assed and at the last moment when it all seemed too much, I would have given up. It just goes to show you how much a person can change, given the chance.

Well, I'm off to dinner with my sponsor, then to my homegroup, and after to meet a friend at a speaker meeting. I need it today.

Tiredness

I'm exhausted. Completely. Totally. Exhausted. 80 hours is just too much to work in one week. Not to mention that they're all overnight shifts. Thank God it's only for one week and it's a means to an end. It's going to pay for 2 entrance exams, a physical, and a background check so that I may go back to school again.

My last sponsee moved away on Thursday. I miss her dearly; it's been a long few months but we've spent so much time together and I feel a bit of a void now that she's gone. She has turned into a great friend. Apparently, where she moved to, the meetings are quite different. They're all an hour and a half long instead of an hour and they do things quite differently. She has found a new sponsor, taking the suggestion of raising her hand and announcing that it was her first meeting out of treatment; but already she feels it's not the right person. The amazing thing is that she is really putting herself out there during a very vulnerable time in an entirely new existence. I'm so pround of her.

And, onto me. Overall, things are good. Cats are good;boyfriend is good. But, I'm so tired. I feel burried in chores and goals and errands and just things to do. I work 12-14 hour overnight shifts and try to sleep at least 6 hours a day at home (which doesn't always happen). So, I spend most nights going over my test prep books, studying the night away. I've done what I always do and I need to find a way to not put everything off until the last minute. I have until December 3rd to take 2 exams, get a physical, and a background check. The idea of school is getting scarier as the deadline nears. The good thing is that I haven't become paralyzed by this fear yet.

So, for now, I've lost my spunk. My wit. My general-funness. I've got 2 more nights of work and then 2 days off.

Another day gone!

I've turned into one of those people who is incapable of saying no to their boss. I start off saying no to these extra shifts and within 30 minutes I've, yet again, picked up another shift on what is supposed to be my day off. Gr. So, after working a 12 hour night shift I went back to work at 4:30 this afternoon for a few extra hours and I now need to be up a 5am to get to work tomorrow (which was actually an entire day off).

But, thank God that I'm getting extra hours during the Holiday season when most people don't even have a job. I'm so grateful that I can pay my bills today.

Oh what a long week it's been. I've been working killer weeks around 75 - 80 hours. I'm. So. Tired. Fortunately, tonight is the last night and I'm actually going to be able to not only sleep in a bed again, but I'll be able to sleep more than 3-4 hours. Sleeping during the day just isn't my thing.

So, anyway. Earlier in the week I decided to send out Christmas cards again. It's been quite a few years with everything that has happened: divorce, moving, hospital, rehab, moving, moving, moving, new job, moving. Just too much to take on AND do extra on the holidays. I started setting up everything on my computer to print the envelopes (why hand write it??) and had almost all of them addressed when my computer just shut down. Yep. It shut down and never came back on. At all. I was devastated; even started crying. How am I going to live without a computer? Me? Without the internet? My only link would be my BlackBerry? Ugh. That just can't be. Fortunately my family gave me my Christmas money early and I was able to get another one - and let me tell you, this thing is the best ever! Windows 7, 4 GB dual core pentium, 320 GB hard drive, 16" widescreen display, built-in webcam with facial recognition for security, and a 3.5 hour battery life. This is the finest machine I've had yet! And, now I can finish my Christmas cards.

I know, I know. This is when I'm supposed to go to that place of gratitude and remember that all things happen for a reason and that they'll find a way to work themselves out and that God won't give me more than I can handle. I suppose this should be a time of reflection for me; after all, my 3 year anniversary is in just a few days. But right now all I can think of is how fine this shiny new laptop is and that in a few days I'll be playing the Sims 3.

Mum's the word

What an evening I had at work last night. 19 hours in one day is just too many to work. I'm exhausted and couldn't manage to sleep more than 4 hours this morning so I spent the rest of the afternoon ironing. I love to iron. Yes, iron. I haven't had an ironing board in a few years - OK I'm lying, I had a table top one but I don't feel like it really counts... it's like not having one - so now I'm taking full advantage of it and ironing almost everything I own. Ironing keeps me busy. Gives me something to do with my idle time and my busy mind so I don't get myself in trouble. Today, trouble would have consisted of yelling at my forever irresponsible roommate for her latest flavor of the week double parking and making it impossible to get into my spot this morning after I haven't been to bed in over a day. At that point I realize it's not her fault but I still hold her responsible for letting her "guests" know what's acceptable or not when they're here. And, at 9am when my relief for my endless shift has been late and I'm beyond tired, I get pissed easily. But, today I took the high road. I didn't say a word. I got my Little Debbie Fancy Cakes with the Mary Englebreit mail in stationary offer and went to bed, without saying a word.