A new perspective

Last night we watched "Precious". Let me start out by saying that I had no clue what this movie was about other than having the actress in it who came out of nowhere. I feel forever changed. Imagining a life like that makes me sick to my stomach. Growing up, I didn't have the best childhood and I've had to deal with that, but my life was a breath of fresh air compared to hers.

The movie ended and I didn't even know what to say or feel or think. I felt imense gratitude for my life. I felt that if someone could survive that, then we should be able to survive anything. And, then I thought, she overcame. She totally overcame. She gained this inner strenght and was able to overcome the obstacles life had put in her way and move forward. Through compassion from strangers she became empowered to change her life. I feel forever changed by that movie.

Ahhhhhh

Today was a restful day and I don't seem to have many of those lately.

I've really been thinking about my steps lately and I need to get cracking and finish them again. Step 6 is finished and onto 7. I'm taking my sweet time. Procrastination is just one of those "traits" that I haven't let go of yet, but I'm certainly ready to have it removed! LOL.

I went to aftercare this evening, at the treatment center I went to, and it was a disaster. Bascially, we go back every Wednesday and meet with the people coming out of the 28 day program and talk about our experience and discuss their concerns and exit plans with them. But lately a different counselor has been MC'ing it every week and there is no format anymore so it's losing effectiveness. Something has to be done but I'm not sure what it is at this point. It's almost torture to sit there through the whole hour. The only reason I go anymore is because I benefitted from the people who came back when I lived there and I want to be able to give back what was so freely given to me. Me me me. I know. But if I don't put ME first no one will be able to.

My mouth still hurts from these 2 new fillings. Although the pain is subsiding it's still stressful to be in constant pain with nothing more than motrin or tylenol. It's a catch 22. There are just some things that you have to push through, I guess.

My new glasses came in yesterday and they're definitely taking some "getting used to". These progressive lenses are tricky. The top is for distance, the middle is for intermedite stuff like the computer, and the bottom is for reading. Or anything I just randomly feel like magnifying! It cracks me up! And, just so you know, I apparently look sheik in them; so my Mom says. Does that even count when you're in your 30's??

So, all in all it was a good day. Drank a lot of coffee, did some laundry, and took some super cheesy photos of myself in my new glasses from the reflection in the bathroom mirror. =)

Time will tell...

I've been working so much lately that I'm a bit out of sorts with myself. Switching back and forth from overnights to days is taking a toll on me.

All the moving is finally done but I've yet to finish unpacking. Hopefully, that is something I can get finished this week. I only have 3 more boxes to take care of and it just feels like a chore at this point; which is why it keeps getting put off.

I'm feeling a little indifferent tonight. I just finished reading a few posts on http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com/ It's a blog I've been reading for a few years now on and off about someone who struggles with addiction and a few other things (but dont we all?) and he's relapsed. It's happened before but I guess that after following this little world of his that I got attached to whether or not he was still sober. It's so easy to sit here and judge and point out all the things people are doing wrong and recognizing their excuses and reservations. Which is where I'm at right now. I'm downright disappointed.

It makes me think of all the people I've lost during these 3 short years I've been sober along with all the people to come. My first sponsor told me, "You've got to walk over the bodies." Such a straight forward statement yet so hard to accomplish.

Another day gone!

I've turned into one of those people who is incapable of saying no to their boss. I start off saying no to these extra shifts and within 30 minutes I've, yet again, picked up another shift on what is supposed to be my day off. Gr. So, after working a 12 hour night shift I went back to work at 4:30 this afternoon for a few extra hours and I now need to be up a 5am to get to work tomorrow (which was actually an entire day off).

But, thank God that I'm getting extra hours during the Holiday season when most people don't even have a job. I'm so grateful that I can pay my bills today.

Oh what a long week it's been. I've been working killer weeks around 75 - 80 hours. I'm. So. Tired. Fortunately, tonight is the last night and I'm actually going to be able to not only sleep in a bed again, but I'll be able to sleep more than 3-4 hours. Sleeping during the day just isn't my thing.

So, anyway. Earlier in the week I decided to send out Christmas cards again. It's been quite a few years with everything that has happened: divorce, moving, hospital, rehab, moving, moving, moving, new job, moving. Just too much to take on AND do extra on the holidays. I started setting up everything on my computer to print the envelopes (why hand write it??) and had almost all of them addressed when my computer just shut down. Yep. It shut down and never came back on. At all. I was devastated; even started crying. How am I going to live without a computer? Me? Without the internet? My only link would be my BlackBerry? Ugh. That just can't be. Fortunately my family gave me my Christmas money early and I was able to get another one - and let me tell you, this thing is the best ever! Windows 7, 4 GB dual core pentium, 320 GB hard drive, 16" widescreen display, built-in webcam with facial recognition for security, and a 3.5 hour battery life. This is the finest machine I've had yet! And, now I can finish my Christmas cards.

I know, I know. This is when I'm supposed to go to that place of gratitude and remember that all things happen for a reason and that they'll find a way to work themselves out and that God won't give me more than I can handle. I suppose this should be a time of reflection for me; after all, my 3 year anniversary is in just a few days. But right now all I can think of is how fine this shiny new laptop is and that in a few days I'll be playing the Sims 3.

The Shack

“The Shack” is turning out to be an amazing book. I didn’t expect it to be anything like it is. It really makes me want to strive harder to make a better conscious contact with God and to try to see God in everything. I’d really like to gain insight along with that kind of super strong relationship that is all-trusting and all-knowing. I really feel like I’m missing out on that, but I also know that it’s a definite possibility for me to have; and just knowing that makes me feel a little better.

Just for today...

Some days I feel like everything is falling apart and then some days I feel like things couldn't be better. I know that neither situation is reality and that it's actually somewhere in between. I just wish I could handle the highs and lows a little better than I do. Then again, maybe I'm meant to cry all those tears I generally hold in. Maybe it's good for me to spend a day in misery and get past it even though it feels like my world is falling apart. Certainly I don't have all the answers but each day get better and I learn a little more about myself.

I've really been putting things off lately and have made a commitment to get back on track. I really need to get cracking on my step work that I've been putting of. And, I need to get my student loans taken care of. Consolidation is probably the route I'll take but I'm not exactly 100% ready to make that call yet. After all, they're already stealing their money back by garnishing my paychecks. Again, all my fault. I suppose that had I actually called the U.S. Dept. of Ed. sometime in the last 10 years, I might have a better grasp on the entire situation. But, it is what it is and it's getting easier to think about each day.

I haven't been feeling really grateful lately either. I've pretty much been miserable. Yet, I know how many things I have that I'm grateful for. Could be pms. I do like to blame everything on mother nature!! =)

This too shall pass.