Gratitude, yo!

I woke up feeling genuinely grateful this morning. Typically, when I'm at a meeting and the topic of "gratitude" comes up, I cringe. I think to myself - it's not even November why are we doing this? And then the month of November comes again and I think to myself - wtf November, you're back already??

For anyone not in AA, reading this, November generally ends up as the month to talk about gratitude because of Thanksgiving. In November we have a Gratitude Dinner and we all get together to celebrate, fellowship, give thanks, hear an amazing speaker, and my favorite - the sobriety countdown. This past year was the first dinner I was able to attend. I've never seen so many AA's together in one place. The attendance was somewhere around 600 for the spaghetti dinner and, for me, it was -without a doubt- a spiritual experience. At the end of the sobriety countdown we were left with two people who were in their 55th year of recovery!

At the end of the dinner when everyone gathered in the traditional circle to hold hands and say the Lord's Prayer, I looked around the room and felt nothing but love. It was that surreal moment when you feel like you're watching a movie and wondering if this is really what people do in an AA meeting, except that you're really there and you know the answer. I felt like Meg Ryan at the end of When a Man Loves a Woman. I felt safe and at home and it was one of the first times in AA that I felt the power of prayer and that everything in life was going to be okay. And it made me wonder... how had I not noticed this before?

Since then, at the end of every AA meeting when we get together, hold hands, and say the Lord's Prayer I look around the room and have a feeling of comfort and love and safety because I finally realize that I'm surrounded by people who know what I feel like and I know that I'm not alone - no matter what.

So I'll keep coming back, no matter what.

Wake Up Call

So, let's face it, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself lately. Which happens to everyone. I've always felt that it's okay to sit on your pity pot, but to give it a time frame and don't live there. So, I think I'm beginning to come off the pot. A few really great things have happened in the last week:

1. My hearing for permission to apply for my nursing license went fabulously well with a unanimous approval from the board.
2. My authorization to test arrived yesterday!
3. I scheduled my boards for April 25th.
4. Yesterday I spent the entire day with an old friend from highschool - we were inseparable as children.
5. My sister went to jail again over the weekend.

I know, number 5 seems a little bitchy, but look at this picture.

This time, she's in there for domestic battery on her boyfriend, who happens to be our parents age and married with children our age. It's very sad, but it's also what needs to happen. I've recently had to completely step away from her in order to maintain what little serenity I have. She's toxic and began doing things like asking me to come visit but then calling the police on my way there to tell them I'm attempting to tresspass. It's the insanity and sickness of this disease at it's best.

I'm grateful that this isn't me. I'm grateful that other people go out so I don't have to. I'm grateful that the fear is dissipating and being replaced slowly with faith. I'm grateful I get to be a nurse. And, most of all, I'm grateful for my health.

These past few weeks have felt like a slap in the face but it's really been a wake up call on how I need to rely on faith and my higher power. It's so easy to get busy and consumed by the daily ongoings of life and forget something so simple as prayer.

A new perspective

Last night we watched "Precious". Let me start out by saying that I had no clue what this movie was about other than having the actress in it who came out of nowhere. I feel forever changed. Imagining a life like that makes me sick to my stomach. Growing up, I didn't have the best childhood and I've had to deal with that, but my life was a breath of fresh air compared to hers.

The movie ended and I didn't even know what to say or feel or think. I felt imense gratitude for my life. I felt that if someone could survive that, then we should be able to survive anything. And, then I thought, she overcame. She totally overcame. She gained this inner strenght and was able to overcome the obstacles life had put in her way and move forward. Through compassion from strangers she became empowered to change her life. I feel forever changed by that movie.

Just for today...

Some days I feel like everything is falling apart and then some days I feel like things couldn't be better. I know that neither situation is reality and that it's actually somewhere in between. I just wish I could handle the highs and lows a little better than I do. Then again, maybe I'm meant to cry all those tears I generally hold in. Maybe it's good for me to spend a day in misery and get past it even though it feels like my world is falling apart. Certainly I don't have all the answers but each day get better and I learn a little more about myself.

I've really been putting things off lately and have made a commitment to get back on track. I really need to get cracking on my step work that I've been putting of. And, I need to get my student loans taken care of. Consolidation is probably the route I'll take but I'm not exactly 100% ready to make that call yet. After all, they're already stealing their money back by garnishing my paychecks. Again, all my fault. I suppose that had I actually called the U.S. Dept. of Ed. sometime in the last 10 years, I might have a better grasp on the entire situation. But, it is what it is and it's getting easier to think about each day.

I haven't been feeling really grateful lately either. I've pretty much been miserable. Yet, I know how many things I have that I'm grateful for. Could be pms. I do like to blame everything on mother nature!! =)

This too shall pass.