Wake Up Call

So, let's face it, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself lately. Which happens to everyone. I've always felt that it's okay to sit on your pity pot, but to give it a time frame and don't live there. So, I think I'm beginning to come off the pot. A few really great things have happened in the last week:

1. My hearing for permission to apply for my nursing license went fabulously well with a unanimous approval from the board.
2. My authorization to test arrived yesterday!
3. I scheduled my boards for April 25th.
4. Yesterday I spent the entire day with an old friend from highschool - we were inseparable as children.
5. My sister went to jail again over the weekend.

I know, number 5 seems a little bitchy, but look at this picture.

This time, she's in there for domestic battery on her boyfriend, who happens to be our parents age and married with children our age. It's very sad, but it's also what needs to happen. I've recently had to completely step away from her in order to maintain what little serenity I have. She's toxic and began doing things like asking me to come visit but then calling the police on my way there to tell them I'm attempting to tresspass. It's the insanity and sickness of this disease at it's best.

I'm grateful that this isn't me. I'm grateful that other people go out so I don't have to. I'm grateful that the fear is dissipating and being replaced slowly with faith. I'm grateful I get to be a nurse. And, most of all, I'm grateful for my health.

These past few weeks have felt like a slap in the face but it's really been a wake up call on how I need to rely on faith and my higher power. It's so easy to get busy and consumed by the daily ongoings of life and forget something so simple as prayer.

Progress

I feel like I'm so busy these days. With my job, it all comes at once or it doesn't come at all. So, until school starts on Feb. 22 I'll be working 7 days a week.

I've been spending a day a week with my sister and she seems to be holding her own these days. Still no sign of the loser ex-boyfriend! I have been through some awful relationships and I understand how they can really get into your head. There is only so long that someone, whom you believe you love, can tell you you're worthless before you believe him. Which is what happened. That curse of having no self-esteem is a hard fog to come out of. It was for me and I know it is for her.

Tonight is my homegroup and I'm totally not looking forward to going. It's turned into a cat fest of who can out share who and it's a total drag. I always hope that it's going to change, but nothing does. Tonight is also our monthly business meeting and a lot will be discussed and I'm anticipating an all out war at this point... Ugh. Perhaps, in August when my 2 year term as secretary is up, it will be time to just move on. There are some women in there with 20+ years of sobriety that I always used to respect, but at this point I feel like I'm railroaded every time I ask a question or present a motion because they "know" better. It seems our business meeting has become "organized"...

Also, I've finally heard back on some of my amends. I'll post more on how that went later, for now, I've got to go to work!

Oopsie!

Wow, it's been a bit since my last post and boy has life been hectic for the last week and a half. Last week turned into a whirlwind and flew by.

Last Sunday, my sister was out of her gord crazy, drunk, high, and we had to Baker Act her (involuntary commitment here in Florida). I talked to the nurse a few times when she was in the ER and she was screaming and combative. They ended up having to restrain her and give her two shots of halidol. When she woke up in the ER in the morning, she didn't remember anything or know how she ended up with a cast on her arm. Scary times. They transported her to the psych hospital for a 3 day say and adjusted her medications; things seem to be improving. Only time will tell and she's got to be willing to do the work. I've got to have faith in her though.

Four years ago, she did the same thing for me. I was overdosing and she called 911 and they took me away. I stayed in the hospital for 30 days before getting released to do 2 months in a residential treatment center. The craziness of what she's put herself through these last few weeks really brought the memories back for me. When you're in that crazy place you really don't think what kind of an impact it has on anyone else. You don't realize how stressful it is for anyone but yourself. Well, now I know. It's damn stressful. I'm grateful for the experience though. I got to see what the craziness is like from the other side of the double locked doors. And, I've got to say, I prefer the look from this side. =)

So, last week when she was in the hospital I went down to feed her cats (she lives about 40 minutes south of me) and I went through her house. Got rid of the drugs, dumped out the alcohol, packed her a bag of clothes, and fed her cats. It was an absolute disaster in that house. So, last Wednseday when she was released I picked her up and took her home, made her dinner, and helped her clean her house. I know, for me, that when things get that bad they seem so overwhelming and I end up just leave them instead of jumping in and taking care of it. We also went to a women's meeting about a mile from where she lives. It's so nice to get out to other meetings and hear other people share. I feel like I'm sort of in a rut with aftercare on Wednesday's, so, as long as she's willing to let me come down there I'll continue to go. Which is what I did again this week. I made dinner again and we went to the women's meeting and hung out a bit and watched a little bit of American Idol before I headed back home. It's been so long since she's really let anyone come over and spend time with her that I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.

As for me, I've had a busy time in my own life on top of all of this. I've been working during the day and at night, which doesn't always leave me in the greatest of moods. But, it's for a limited time - one more month. Then I start nursing school. I went in yesterday and paid my tuition and purchased all of my books. It's so exciting to be able to move forward with my life. I've done so much work in the last year and it felt like none of it was leading anywhere when I got denied for financial aid because I made too much money. And, I made too much money because I worked my butt off to pull my student loans out of default. But, in the end, it has all worked out. My parents helped with the money to pay for the class and I'll be put on an extended payment plan. LOL. It always cracks me up with I think of my Mom's payment plans. In the past, I never paid a bill on time. But, now, I pay it back in full! Amazing. But to be more serious, it's amazing that my parents have enough faith in me to pay that much money in anticipation that I'll finish and do well. I've never finished a thing in my life, but they have faith in me and that's an amazing feeling.

So, I'm taking that faith and putting it somewhere else as well. In my sister. Someday, perhaps she'll be able to put that faith into herself. =)

We Do Recover!

Ahhhh. What a great couple of days I've had! On Sunday, I took my sister grocery shopping, out to dinner, and to a meeting. She's been back out for a few years and every moment of it has been sad. But, it's also been a miracle. I'm thankful that I could learn a few lessons vicariously through her and not destroy my life in the meantime. I'm also thankful to know that it doesn't get any better when you go back out. Not that I didn't know it to begin with, but it's definitely something that has been proven time and again by others.

Being able to do things for her, like she did for me when I was in early recovery, makes me feel really good. Not only am I helping my family, but I'm also giving back help that was given to me with no strings attached. Seeing her begin to climb back out of the hole she has created is a blessing; and being able to be a part of that is a miracle.

On another note... Each wednesday for the last 4 years I've attended an after-care group at the treatment facility where I did my inpatient treatment. Basically, we sit around (with a counselor) and discuss our issues in recovery and talk with the people who are just finishing up the 28 day program about any issues, questions, or concerns they may have. This week an unusual topic was brought up by a former sponsee of mine. She said, "What happens when the pink cloud is gone and you're not happy with being sober anymore?"

Ummm, Huh? I have always understood the whole theory behind the concept of the pink cloud - happy to be sober, waking up feeling good, worries behind you, nothing can hold you down, no bad will happen now... But, I can't recall ever feeling that way. When I got clean and sober, I felt like shit. I was withdrawing from benzo's and had slight tardive disknesia from some medication to help with all of the mood swings. I've always understood that life will always happen and that just because I've rung the bell and decided to clean up my act, that life will still happen just the was it is supposed to. Bills will need to be paid, people will be angry with me sometimes, some will die. Never did I have that euphoric feeling of everything being all rainbows and butterfiles. Don't get me wrong, I was happy with life; but I never had the idea in my head that life was going to work out perfectly and that all my problems would disappear.

I really had to take a step back after hearing her say that. Perhaps it's because of "who" said it, but I'd like to believe that I'd have this response no matter who would say it.

Each and every day that I'm clean and sober, I'm grateful that another miracle has occured. Being able to stay around and hear things like, "Don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens" makes me realize that this really is the life for me. I finally fit in. I'm finally part of something biggern than myself. I'm finally the person I was meant to be. It truly saddens me to hear that someone thinks the other path of misery, guilt, and shame is a better way to live. Deep down I know it's a misconception. I know it's that part of the disease that never totally disappears that you need to battle every day. I know it's the easy way out. I decided 4 years ago that I wasn't going to take the easy way out anymore, that I'd choose to do the right thing instead even if it was difficult.

Every day I choose to stay sober. I choose to treat people as kindly as I'm capable of. I choose to go to a meeting. I choose to go to work. I choose to pray. I choose to call my sponsor. I know that there will always be an alternative and that as long as I'm willing to do what is right above all else, that I'll be living a good life.

To end for the night, a counselor I once had always asked a trick question. "What is the reward for living a good life?" And the answer is, "A good life."

So much to be grateful for!

Well, the day has come. My sister is ready. I'm going to drive to her house today and take her to dinner and a meeting and to run a few errands.

I went to my first meeting ever with my sister and she had 2 1/2 years sober when that happened. 6 months later she relapsed and has been out for 3 1/2 years. Due to a DUI, she doesn't have a license and ended up selling her car because she couldn't pay the insurance on it; drinking was always more important. Can't say I haven't been there myself in the past...

So, I'm really excited to see her. I don't keep in close touch because she is crazy when she's drinking and I keep my distance for my mental well-being. But, she's asked for help and I'll be there for her. She did that for me, along with other people, and I'll do it for her.