It's happened again...

I've gone MIA. But, all is well! My 6th anniversary is coming up in a little over a month and life is great. There have been a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. I was finally able to buy my own car and become completely independent - then I was rear ended by a drunk driver with total repairs to by brand new car totalling $10,800 (still can't believe it wasn't totaled...). I met the absolute love of my life and every day gets better. My job is still amazing and keeping me busy and challenged and I've just finished a 30 hour continuing ed course that now allows me to do IV therapy as an LPN.

LIFE IS GOOD!

Promises and Gratitude

Just when I think I have everything figured out, I'm thrown for a loop. Mind you, a great loop. =)

Things couldn't possibly be better for me these days. I absolutely love my new job and most of the people I work with and it's been keeping my very busy lately. I've made a few new friends and have gained a new outlook in the process. This is such a wonderful life! I've always known the promises would come true over time if I worked the steps and dove into AA - but I didn't know I would feel this complete as a person. For a long time I've felt that AA has allowed me to become the person I was truly meant to be, but I never knew that I could become comfortable with all of me.

A few months ago I said something about a growth spurt and an AFGO, and it feels so good to finally be on the other side of things. Between having to go to a hearing for my nursing license and a friend being diagnosed with cancer weighing on my heart, things have all finally evened out and I'm filled with gratitude.

Twilight Zone

I work in the twilight zone. I'm 100% sure of it at this point. Not only is it an old haunted hotel - but, odds are if something can go wrong while I'm there, it will. Last night it was a fire! Fortunately, no one was hurt and we didn't have to evacuate but it was total chaos. Imagine trying to get 80 residents with memory problems to stay in their rooms while the hallways are filled with smoke... Let's hope tonight goes more smoothly.

Time to say Woo Hoo!

I am exhausted. I slept 10 hours last night and I feel like I could sleep for 10 more. I absolutely love my new job and it's so rewarding. I'm working at an ALF with approximately 75 residents, 50 of which I pass medications to twice during my 8 hour shift. Needless to say, I run my ass off. There are some moments where I feel it's impossible, but it gets done.

The management is in shambles at best and the turnover of the nurses is high. The woman who has senority in our position graduated 6 months before me from the same program and shes been at this place for 2 months, also her first nursing job. I've made a personal commitment to stay there for a minimum of a year, I've got nothing but time right now and could really use the distraction.

So far, it's looking like I'm going to have every other weekend off but that can change at any time. I'm almost finished "training" if you could call it that, she leaves early most nights and I'm left to finish up everything on my own. I love most of the staff there, but like always - there is one pain in the ass who you just have to put up with. The residents are fantastic and are already getting used to seeing me. Geriatrics is exactly where I belong right now.

I went to my first weekend meeting last night in almost 4 years and met a few new people, saw some people I already knew, and got to hear a fantastic speaker share a great message of recovery. One thing she said that really resonated with me was how she described God's answers. Usually, it's yes, no, or not right now. But she phrased it as, yes, not right now, and I have something better planned for you. She was amazing to listen to and spoke with such eloquence that I wasn't ready for her to be finished when the hour was up.

I can't wait to get settled into my new routine and get everything in order. I don't expect it to happen over night, but I'm so ready to just move on with my life. I'm excited about everything around me these days and it feels so good to have such a positive attitude!

A New Beginning

Today I begin my career as a nurse. I was officially offered the position yesterday and will begin today. Part of me is terrified, but the other part of me is thrilled. I'm walking through this fear hand in hand with God and I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are meant.

Five years ago, fear filled everything I did. If I was happy I got drunk, if I was sad I got drunk, if I was angry I got drunk, if it was an average day I got drunk. I know you see a pattern here.... Today, when I have feelings I walk through them with faith and even when things don't turn out how I planned, I know that I've done what's true to me. Being able to have faith in myself and my decisions is something I've gained along the way in recovery and through doing step work and figuring out who I really am. I know now that I'm truly the person God always meant for me to be.

And, just in case... say a little prayer for me! This is a big deal!!! =)

Better than I used to be

"... we need challenges in order to grow; without growth we wither. Happiness is the bounty for facing the momentarily unhappy conditions." - Each Day a New Beginning

Growth doesn't come easy for me.I'm one of those people who needs to do things the hard way, learn my own lesson, and get on with things. Fortunately, as time goes on it takes me less time to learn the lessons and allows more time to appreciate the new view.
Lately the lesson has been on friendships. I've been learning about having friends and what that means. The last year or so has been very hard for many different reasons, and each time I've felt lost God has put someone in my life to help me over the hump - but those people didn't appear until I was willing to ask God for help. Funny how that works...

One important person who has recently come back into my life is my former roommate E, whom I used to constantly complain about. The final straw to our friendship ending was me doing the ultimate wrong - deleting her from fb. Yes, from fb (I know you just heard the ominous DUM DUM DUM of the drums). She was posting hurtful things about me and I'd had enough and clicked the button that officially ended our friendship. I'd like to blame her, but it was really my inability to communicate that my feelings had been hurt and I didn't know how to attempt to repair what had been broken.That was 2 years ago. A few weeks ago we began talking again and essentially were able trek through the amends process. E and I being close again is something I never saw happening, but letting go of that resentment has lifted a huge weight off of my heart. For the first 3 1/2 years of my sobriety we were inseparable and I didnt' realize how much I'd missed that until I had it back. It's like when you lose something and you don't realize it's missing until you find it again and you realized how much you loved and needed it. That is exactly my relationship with her.

I heard early on in recovery that through our greatest pain comes our greatest growth and I've really hung onto that. This last year has been the most painful since I've gotten sober, and I'm not always able to see the growth. I need other people to help me see it.

Which brings me to my new anthem. The previous two were Fucking Perfect by Pink and Born This Way by Lady Gaga. I used to listen to them on my way to clinicals, filled with fear about what the day would bring and whether or not I'd make through another day of nursing school. They were my power songs that got me through. There were mornings I wanted to turn around, go home, and crawl back into bed with the covers over my head... My new song is Better Than I Used To Be by Tim McGraw - I ain't as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be - says it all for me. 

I'm going to keep on growing, and as a friend recently told me - thriving (thank you B). Happiness is my bounty and I'm gonna start collecting!

It shows in your face

A few weeks ago I purchased a new daily meditation book - in dire need of change - called "The 12 Step Prayer Book". I'm absolutely in love with it.

Today's reading:

It Shows in Your Face

You don't have to tell how you live each day,
You don't have to say if you work or play,
A tired, true barometer serves in the place.
However you live, it shows in your face.

The falseness, the deceit that you wear in your heart
Will not stay inside where it got its start,
For sinew and blood is a thin veil of lace.
However you live, it shows in your face.

If you have battled and won in the game of life,
If you feel you've conquered the sorrow and strife,
If you've played the game square and you stand on first base,
You don't have to tell, it shows in your face.

If your life's been unselfish, for others you live,
And not what you get, but what you can give,
And you live close to God, in His infinite Grace,
You don't have to tell it, it shows in your face.


I can only hope that I live this sort of life, that it shows in my face. That even though some ridiculous things come out of my mouth, almost everything I do is done with compassion, care, and mindfulness. That I'm able to give away what I've so freely received in recovery and to be of help to others. That I truly love all of my friends and would do anything for them at any time.

I tend to downplay nearly everything I do these days. A majority of the people in my life think I'm living the ultimate Florida lifestyle laying by the pool basking in the sun each day and enjoying sunsets on the gulf in the evening. I do those things and I enjoy them, but there are more than two hours in a day, AND, as I repeatedly tell my mother - facebook is not real life.

Before I got sober, everything I did was to seek attention and approval from everyone in my life. I went for the wow, the risk, the shock, the ooh ahhh, the OMG, and the TMI. I went for it all so I could be the center of the universe, the one everyone remembered and talked about. And I got tired and stretched thin and worn out. Thank God.

That's when my life began. I can't say everything I do is service work or that I do everything right or treat everyone how I want to be treated... But, I try. And, when I'm not able to do that, I can fix it. I can make amends and do things differently next time.

I'm still working on getting past the 'not good enough' feeling that sometimes comes flooding back to me at night as I'm falling asleep. I'm scared to start a job as a nurse, thinking that they'll find out I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I should just pick another career path. The reality that I know, as I'm crying myself to sleep at night, is that I am good enough and I do know what the hell I'm doing - and - damn it, I'm pretty good at it. The only way to walk through fear is to have faith. And I have that.

And, I'm pretty sure it shows in my face. =)