It shows in your face

A few weeks ago I purchased a new daily meditation book - in dire need of change - called "The 12 Step Prayer Book". I'm absolutely in love with it.

Today's reading:

It Shows in Your Face

You don't have to tell how you live each day,
You don't have to say if you work or play,
A tired, true barometer serves in the place.
However you live, it shows in your face.

The falseness, the deceit that you wear in your heart
Will not stay inside where it got its start,
For sinew and blood is a thin veil of lace.
However you live, it shows in your face.

If you have battled and won in the game of life,
If you feel you've conquered the sorrow and strife,
If you've played the game square and you stand on first base,
You don't have to tell, it shows in your face.

If your life's been unselfish, for others you live,
And not what you get, but what you can give,
And you live close to God, in His infinite Grace,
You don't have to tell it, it shows in your face.


I can only hope that I live this sort of life, that it shows in my face. That even though some ridiculous things come out of my mouth, almost everything I do is done with compassion, care, and mindfulness. That I'm able to give away what I've so freely received in recovery and to be of help to others. That I truly love all of my friends and would do anything for them at any time.

I tend to downplay nearly everything I do these days. A majority of the people in my life think I'm living the ultimate Florida lifestyle laying by the pool basking in the sun each day and enjoying sunsets on the gulf in the evening. I do those things and I enjoy them, but there are more than two hours in a day, AND, as I repeatedly tell my mother - facebook is not real life.

Before I got sober, everything I did was to seek attention and approval from everyone in my life. I went for the wow, the risk, the shock, the ooh ahhh, the OMG, and the TMI. I went for it all so I could be the center of the universe, the one everyone remembered and talked about. And I got tired and stretched thin and worn out. Thank God.

That's when my life began. I can't say everything I do is service work or that I do everything right or treat everyone how I want to be treated... But, I try. And, when I'm not able to do that, I can fix it. I can make amends and do things differently next time.

I'm still working on getting past the 'not good enough' feeling that sometimes comes flooding back to me at night as I'm falling asleep. I'm scared to start a job as a nurse, thinking that they'll find out I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I should just pick another career path. The reality that I know, as I'm crying myself to sleep at night, is that I am good enough and I do know what the hell I'm doing - and - damn it, I'm pretty good at it. The only way to walk through fear is to have faith. And I have that.

And, I'm pretty sure it shows in my face. =)

Happy Aniversary To Me!

This past Wednesday marked the celebration of my 4th year in sobriety. There was a time when I never thought I'd see this day happen. To be so supported by the friends I've made in recovery has brought forth a new swell of gratitude in my life. I was able to share the day with a few women from my homegroup as well as a few other people whom are very important to me. We all met up at Applebee's for a celebratory dinner. Just having those people show up proves to me that this program works even when you have doubts. No matter what, someone will be there to carry you when you can't carry yourself.

Last week my Mom came for a visit. She lives just over 2 hours away so it's convenient for her to come over and spend a day and night and then return home. We went to my sister's house and brought her along to dinner with us to celebrate my aniversary. Being able to spend time with her, without wanting to maim her, has been a renewed gift. She's still going to meetings and seems to be holding her own, but right now I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I suppose that at some point people felt that way about me too. I really try to have compassion for her like I would for any newcomer but because it's so close to home it's a bit more difficult. I find myself wanting to ask her how the meetings were and how she's feeling and asking if she's found a sponsor yet... but I refrain. It's none of my damn business and I can't make her recovery into what I wish it would be. Normally, I would have jumped in to try to save the day and fix it all, but I'm learning how to let go and step back so things can happen the way they're supposed to happen. Much easier said than done, but I'm getting better with practice.

So, here I sit at work. It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm ready to go home to sleep, but I've got a few hours left. We were supposed to meet my bf's parents today for an early Christmas celebration but everyone seems to have forgotten that if we meet at noon I'll only have had 2 hours of sleep. So not fair. I've been working the night shift on the weekends for the better part of a year and a half now... so as far as I'm concerned - there aren't any excuses.

This is what happens when plans are made at the last minute and you become the after-thought. I don't mean me as the after-though, I mean my boyfriend. We live about 20 minutes from his parents and they make no effort to see him... Ok, I lied, they see him 3 times a year: Christmas, Easter, and whenever his sister comes to town with the new baby. They fly to another state to spend the holidays with his brother and sister and try to make plans with him at the very last minute. It really hurts him but he won't say anything. Right now, I know that all I can do is support him and make sure that my family treats him like family. This year, his parents passed his grandmother a birthday card for him and had her deliver it at work... They don't even think twice about it.

And this brings us to, yet again, another situation that is none of my business. It's totally out of my control and saying something will just make things worse and hurt people's feelings. Seems I'm receiving an awful lot of practice in this area lately! I'm going to assume it's not a coincidence!

Aaaaaaand, this is the week I find out whether or not I'm accepted into school. Part of me knows that I will, but the pessimistic part of me has doubts. I'm really not good at waiting, thankfully it's only a few more days. I should know by Wednesday!