New Art

About a week ago I had a moment of manic-ness and decided to get a new tattoo. I had been thinking about it for a few weeks and before I knew it I woke up with a fire under my ass about it. So, here it is. I'm in love with it.

Things and Stuff

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread lately. I'm so ready for my life to move forward and I feel so stuck. I've really been trying to live in the solution and keep in mind that everything is temporary and getting involved with newcomers and other people in the program but it doesn't seem to be enough. I fear that I'm going through a growth spurt. Those are always the worst. They seem like they're never going to end.... and then BAM things are awesome. That BAM can't come fast enough.

Back into it

It feels so good to be back into my regular meeting schedule. Comfortable, like I'm home again. Last night I went to the Big Book study at the treatment facility I went to. Something about that place just makes me feel better. It's where I'm most comfortable sharing and opening up and meeting people. It's unusual for me to share at meetings unless that awkward silence hits and I'm the last one left; but when I'm there it's easy for me. My thoughts are gathered and come out in order and I actually make sense!! Anyway, it feels really good to be back into the middle of the herd and to be able to have time to connect with new people. I'm really going through it right now with my personal life and I finally feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My relationship is finally coming to a long overdue end and it's a struggle every day to maintain a cordial relationship with him. Most days I want to slap him and say, wtf are you thinking?? But, that's not going to get me anywhere so I'll continue to pray for him because I know that's what works best.

Finished

I'm done! I've graduated! I'm a nurse! Or, I will be soon. I'm in the process of waiting to be approved to take my boards. It's all very exciting. But, the best part?? Not getting up between 4-5 am daily. Lately, it's been - sleeping until 8, coffee, work a few hours, pool, study a bit, eat, meeting. I feel like I've got so much freedom now, it's amazing. This is the first things I've ever finished in my entire life - so it's a big deal. This is what recovery has given me. The ability to follow through, achieve, help others, and take care of myself. I hope to be around more frequetly now that school is finished and I've got much more time on my hands. But, I've said that before... hopefully I've got a little more follow through now. =)

The end is in sight...

Here I am again, a few more months down the road. I had no idea how long and hard and fast this last year would be. In 4 weeks I graduate from nursing school! Such an amzing accomplishment! And, also the first big thing I've ever finished in my life. The last few months have been tumultuous. School has been extremely hectic with many long clinical days. The entire cohort is tense and we are all just ready to be finished and moving on with life. I'm so excited to finally be released into the wonderful world of nursing and gain a bit of autonomy in my daily practices. At this point, I'm hoping to be hired somewhere as a graduate nurse while I await my date to sit for my state licensure. Keep your fingers crossed! My 5th aniversary came and went without much note. I suppose I expected a big to-do about it because 5 seems like such a milestone, but it wasn't. It's almost like the people who are in my life forgot how bad it was because it's becoming more and more distant with each passing year. Not to mention, that for the last few years right around my aniversary, my wretched sister comes back in the picture and steals all of my thunder. Although, I shouldn't expect anything less. She always knows that if she even hints at getting sober out family will come to her rescue. Ugh. A few short months and I'll be able to end this relationship I'm in. It's progressed beyond the point of being repairable and it's sucking the life out of me. I have so much to look forward to and I need to keep my eye on the prize!

Oh dear me!

It seems to have been quite a bit of time since my last post. School is keeping me much busier than I had ever anticipated. We have been spending 10 hour days clinical at the hospital and 8 hour days didactic. Plus, I'm still pulling two 12 hour shifts on the weekend. As I've said time and again, February 16th can't come soon enough. I'm excited about graduation and being able to move forward with my life.

Lately, I've been making more time for meetings and trying to fit in some extra time with friends to sort of distinguish a bit of balance in my life. I feel consumed by everything all at once. Recently, a friend of mine who had a bit of time relapsed. All of the signs were there and then it happened. Thankfully, she's survived it and back in the rooms. But for the Grace of God, one day at a time, it doesn't have to be me. =)

Growing up, or something like that.

I had no idea that I'd be this busy with nursing school or that my life would change so much. I think I'm having a growth spurt of some sort. When we started school they told us that we would not be the same person at the end of the year, maybe I didn't believe them; but I do now. We're almost done with the first half of the program and I feel so changed. Like I have a new direction for my life. Which brings me to the problem at hand... I'm outgrowing my boyfriend. One day I just started feeling different. I'm growing up and he's not. I want a family, career, home, friends, hobbies, a retirement fund, and a retirement. Those are goals to me and to him they're just ideas that can perhaps be looked at when the time comes. We've been together for 3 years and haven't been intimate whatsoever for the last year. I look at him and I'm angry. I try to communicate and I'm met with silence, which seems to be an answer of sorts. I've tried every way to approach the situation, there are none left. I look around at our home and we have nothing in common. He's a sports and movie nut and I'm content to curl up with a book. He has no ambitions for education and I can't imagine going a day without learning something new. What I do know for sure is that this relationship is over.

I'm sort of stuck in this current relationship for the next year. Before I started school we made a deal that I'd work and pay for everything the year before school and while I was in school he'd take care of everything so that I'd have time to study and do what I needed to do. My car died and I had to junk it and now I drive his extra vehicle. Can I make it 9 more months in this situation? Days like the last few make me doubt it, but I have to give it some serious thought. Everything is a chore to him, which leaves me to do everything or it just doesn't get done. He thinks that laying in bed watching tv for 13 hours on his day off is what he's supposed to do... I feel like he needs to take care of a few things, at the very least, and get his ass out of bed. I'm frustrated, overtired, and fed up with this lazy man who is incapable of approaching any situation with an open mind or some sort of rational thought process. The latest situation to arise is our difference of opinion. Apparently, anytime I disagree with him I'm doing it for spite - just to be able to disagree. He's forgotten that I'm an independent human being with a mind of my own and that I'm capable of forming educated opinions based on facts...

Thank God I have a program of recovery and I know when to attempt to let go and let God. Obviously, it doesn't happen every time but it does happen more than it used to. My sponsor says I need to look at him like he's a sick person and treat him with compassion. Much easier said than done. She also says to approach the entire situation with integrity and essentially keep my side of the street clean. So, please, if someone could pray for me, I'm going through it right now.